What To Do With Anger

Anger - who likes it?  And yet it is part of life that is hard to avoid at some points; either in our day, week, month or at least year.  Every stage of life seems to bring more opportunities to practice self-control and grow in the direction of handling those incredible emotions of anger better.  Whether it is with the introduction of marriage and now having to share everything with our spouse, or the introduction of children who require even more of everything we have and then some.  These are the realities of life and the place from which we need to grow - I think dealing well with anger is like many things in life...Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back but our ability to gain better self-control does not stay still, we are either moving ahead in growth or falling back in failing.  How do we better manage those moments that life WILL, not might, bring?

I have shared about the topic of expectations (http://www.myheartathome.com/2010/03/expectations.html) before, but for me that plays a significant part in keeping anger in check - with my husband, children, parents, friends, etc...  The more I expect from those around me, the more opportunity I will have to get frustrated and potentially angry with them.  It is not that we shouldn't expect anything, but we need to keep our hopes and expectations of them reasonable so that we do not set ourselves up for disappointments, which can lead to anger. I have also found that the rut of expectations is often based on my own selfishness and not a desire for the best for others.

Also, I need to study myself well and know what areas I am weakest in in order to be prepared to mentally walk into those times in the right mindset.  It can be that certain time of the month, it can be a week of little sleep with a newborn, it can be a week that is filled to the brim with activities (something we work very hard to avoid, but we all get those times once in a while).  Whatever the areas are, it helps to take a few minutes and look ahead to what we might be facing, NOT for the sake of dreading it, but for the sake of putting perspective to it and asking God for His strength to face it.  Remember, that is not a one time prayer, but a "praying without ceasing" type of prayer - there are many times that I know the only thing that has carried me through a "certain time"well has been prayer.

There are many other thoughts I could share, but in an effort to keep it to my favourites,  I will share one more - but you may not like it -  Bite Your Tongue!  There may be issues that need to be handled and spoken to, but sometimes those conversations can and should wait till later.  David speaks to this in Psalm 4:4, where he says, "Don't sin by letting anger control you.  Think about it overnight and remain silent." (I know, someone is going to email me back and say, but Paul says not to let the sun go down on your anger - BUT I think we can use our hearts and our heads and apply wisdom.  I feel they are speaking to two different scenarios - one that you know exactly what I am talking about is that if we are quiet we will avoid alot of useless arguing, where the other may refer to those conversations that must happen even when they are hard.)  

Not only does biting our tongue work SO WELL - it is biblical too.  James 1:19&20 lays out the basics of everything we have spoken of here, "You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.  Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires." It is when we are self-focused that we are best preparing ourselves for anger - "I am offended"..."YOU made me mad"..."I am....", you get the idea.  Throw those feelings and offenses up to God and ask for His help, don't throw them at the other person - remember it is those we love the most we can hurt the hardest.  May our lives be ones of love!

Flapping Around

This week we had the privilege of rescuing a hummingbird from our garage - it is not the first time and I hope it won't be the last, because I love seeing these little creatures up close.  They are a reminder of God's wonderful design and plan in the way He has created everything around us.

This time with the hummingbird, though, I had a new observation about life ~ although our family had the best of intentions to help him get out of the garage, because he was panicking in efforts to escape, we couldn't help him until he settled down.  As I pondered this, it began to remind me of how I must respond to God sometimes.  Even though I know in my head that He has the best of intentions for me, when circumstances around me are not going the way I would hope or want, I can be found flapping around and panicking.  This takes me to the same place as that little hummingbird, in that God will have a hard time helping me if I can't rest in Him. 

How do we rest when we feel like overwhelmed with life?  We need to remind ourselves of WHO God is and WHAT He desires to do for us.  There are so many places in the Word that assure us of God's good intentions for our lives and not for evil.  Psalm 34 says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." And Psalm 100 says that, "The Lord is good and his love endures forever."  Then Psalm 119 tell us, "You (God) are good and what you do is good."  There are many more references, but they give us the same assurance - God has good to bring into our lives and when that is not what we "see" happening around us, we need to trust that the good will come and claim what He has promised for us.

One of my favourite verses is found in Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Rest in knowing He has the best plans for you!

Being the "Bad Guy"

Some days parenting is just plain, old-fashioned hard work!  You know the kind of days that I am referring to, don't you?  They are the ones that, no matter how hard you try, as a mom you end up being the "bad guy"out of necessity.  I, personally, do not enjoy these days very much and I continually need to remind myself that they are for a greater purpose than the pleasure of a happy child in the moment.

  Our children do not know what is best for themselves and one of our roles as parents is to direct them in proper choices.  Proverbs 22:6 says we are to, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."  I recently heard it shared that this means we need to discover the "bent" that each of our children has been given and work with them in the ways need to be taught.  This means hard work and hard choices...when they want to do something that is not good for them, it means saying "no".  It means that if they are acting in ways that they should not be acting, we need to correct them.  It means that if they are not showing respect to us as parents, or others in their lives, they need to be shown that is not right.  The challenge in all of those examples is that it means we will look like, and possibly feel like, the "bad guy".

Our choices in shaping our children for the future have to be directed by a vision for what we want them to become, not how we "feel" in the moment.  It is too easy, especially in this culture, not to bother training our children because we are too tired, or too busy, or too whatever.  We live in a time where anything goes and there are excuses for everything!  I have a long way to go with my children and I seem to wear the "bad guy" hat often enough, but I wear it with love for my children and a desire to see them grow into adults who will be a blessing to many around them.

I recently watched a friend remove her daughter from a situation that she was misbehaving in and take her off alone to address the issue - I was so proud of her!  It wasn't convenient, it wasn't fun, it wasn't easy, but that didn't matter - it was accomplishing the long term goal of a well behaved child that will grown into beautiful adult.  We need to keep the same focus with our children - it is too easy to think that when we overlook bad behaviour it won't make a difference - just this once - but it will.  Just this once, too easily becomes the default for the way we address issues with our children and they are so smart, they know what they can get away with and what they can't.

The harder we work in the earlier years, the greater the fruit will be later on - it is worth it!  Hebrews 12:11 says, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."   

Strength

Strength - something we all need to accomplish our daily requirements, but not always something that is easy to come by. As I have been reading through verses that talk about strength and where it should come from, I have been encouraged in my own life and want to share it with you. Whether it is for a middle of the night feeding with a crying infant or another question from a toddler, the sudden death of a loved one or a task that seems more than we can manage alone - there is strength available. In fact, the more tired or overwhelmed we feel, it seems the more ready we are to receive that strength.

Hebrews 11 talks about weakness being turned into strength, and one of my favourite passages about the promise for strength as a mother, comes from Isaiah 40:29-31 where it says, "He (God) gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; BUT those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will SOAR on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." That scripture paints a beautiful picture of how I want to feel - I don't want to live my life always tired and exhausted, but full of life and strength.

Yes, there are times when the strength we will receive as we are asking, seems only just enough for the task at hand - but that is when we realize we have all we need. In II Corinthians 12, the Lord tells Paul that His power is made perfect in weakness, and then Paul shares in verse 10, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." It is a strength that does not come from 10 hours of sleep a night and a perfectly balanced life (although I believe we still have to be wise with our time and choices) but it is a strength that lifts us above all the natural circumstances and helps us to SOAR. God knows us and our situations more perfectly than even we can understand them, and He has promised to give what is required IF we ask.

How do we ask? It is simply pausing in the moments of our day and saying, "God, I am _______(tired, overwhelmed, frustrated,...) and I don't feel I can go on. You have said in Your Word that when I am weak, You will be strong and that is what I need right now. I confess I cannot ___________(listening to whining, deal with a screaming infant, love my family well) without You. Please come into my moment, my day, my life and fill me with You. I want to do this in Your strength, not my weakness."

Be strengthened - God is our very present help in times of trouble!

Glad to Be a Mom

As I wiped up muddy footprints for the seemingly hundredth time today, I got to reflecting on the "joys" of motherhood. I am sure that if we could compare notes on some of those joys, our lists would look similar in many ways. There is no end to the regular chores of keeping up a home with small children underfoot; whether it is the heaping piles of laundry, the little voices that say they are hungry again, the toys that need to be cleared so we can see the carpet colour or just the hearts that need to be listened to. These things don't always sound like "joys" when they are listed but as we reflect on what they represent, they really are the greatest joys in life because they represent our children - muddy feet and all!

I am so glad that God allowed me to be a mom and called me to be home with these treasures, but there are many days that I need to remind myself why I am here. We know it is not for the money or the time it allows to pamper ourselves, but it is for something so much deeper, richer and eternal. I know that as I share each day with our children, I am investing in their hearts, their personalities and their lives. I am enjoying the privilege of shaping hearts that will be leaders in the next generation. I am getting to know my future best friends. I am training each of them to be, I trust, great husbands and wives, as well as moms and dads...in fact, my six year old recently said, "I am going to know how to be such a good mommy when I grow up, thanks for teaching me so many things mom."

You might notice that there seemed to be a listing of reasons happening above and that is exactly what it is - I decided to start listing "Reasons I am Glad I am a Mom" in the back of my journal. It came about because of muddy footprints and a desire to remind myself why I do what I do. It has been fun to look at all the reasons I have - there are a lot of them, but there are many moments when I can hardly remember any of them because of the strain of the moment. Someday I may even type the list out and post it somewhere, but for now it is just for me to add to and reflect on, during happy times and tired times. Get out a piece of paper (or spot in a journal) and a pen and brainstorm for even 3 minutes, you will be amazed how much you find - BUT be sure to wait till everyone is in bed or at least playing happily together, I am not sure how easily the list would form in those moments.

Lastly, be encouraged that all the hard work and efforts never go unnoticed - not by our Heavenly Father anyway. Ultimately, it is Him we are serving and He sees what is done and has promised an inheritance. Colossians 3:23 & 24 says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

Bearing Fruit

I love summer and the abundance of fruit everywhere. There are so many tastes, patterns, textures and choices - I am so thankful that we have so much to enjoy. That leads me to thinking on how this relates to me, as a mom.

I am glad that we are given the task of raising our children and being part of their day to day lives. I am also glad that we are not left to do this huge job alone. Outside of our husbands, there is a resource that flows strongly day and night, IF we would only access it. It is the life giving energy that comes from the SOURCE - Jesus. We are told how to access this Source in John 15:4, Jesus said, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." This is the secret to all of life - one of the greatest truths, as a mom, as a wife, as a friend...the list goes on - we don't have to bear fruit on our own. In fact, if that is how we are setting out to bear fruit, we are going to be in for some big disappointments.

This verse, and many like it, are very clear in showing us where true life comes from - Jesus is the SOURCE of all fruit that lasts. It is possible to do good things on our own and even have something that looks like fruit appear for a while, but it will not be genuine and can't have lasting effect if it is not grounded in Christ. This applies to many things for me; loving my husband when he has a hard day, being patient with my children when they are tired, showing love to a parent when they are don't agree with our parenting methods. I have to have life flowing in, so that I can have life to give out. There are too many responsibilities as a wife and mom to even try bearing fruit in my own strength, and yet sometimes I do.

My desire is to continue to grow and listen for God's gentle voice when I need to be reminded why something has not been "growing well". Sometimes it takes seeing the rotten fruit in my every day life, to realize that I did it in my own strength and not His. Then, all that is required is to tell God that I need Him to remove the fruit that is rotting and replace it with His fruit that lasts.

I remember hearing an illustration years ago about being connected to the Vine, that went like this...If we had a garden hose and attached it to a deep well that could never run dry, we would have an abundant supply of water, wouldn't we? But if we failed to ever go over to the tap and turn on the hose, we wouldn't have any water at all. It is the same in our lives; God is ready, waiting and able, but if we choose to go about this huge task of parenting in our own strength and not ask for His help, the results will not amount to much.

Why choose rotten apples in our homes, when we can enjoy the choicest of fruit to fill our lives?

Best Friends

Best Friends...Siblings...is it possible the two can mean the same thing? I believe with all my heart it is, but many days I am walking by faith and not by sight on that one. There are many squabbles to grow through before the fruit can really be enjoyed.

I am sure you can relate to the joys of helping children understand that they are each other's best friend, if you have more than one child. In fact, that is a statement we repeat to each of them, over and over, trying to lay the foundation of the value of their siblings - you are each other's best friend.

There are so many truths that the Word provides us that we need to share with our children. I think back to when our oldest two children were about five and three, and we were discussing Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." I was sharing this with our then five year old son, with the goal of helping him see the importance of recognizing his sister was his best friend. Without missing a beat, he looked at me and said, "But mom, it says brothers are for adversity." We looked together more closely to see that it means they are they for hard times to lean on...I think he was a little disappointed.

The heart of what I want to share is this - children will fight. It is a fact that is accepted for every family BUT it is not to end there. It is the pathway that we are given as parents, to guide our children in the ways of godly, loving relationships. When I think of our five children and how many arguments I have to judge in, I feel like a leader of old that used to have to sit on his throne all day and listen to both sides of stories. Helping our children work through their disagreements in a calm way is not an easy task, but it is one of the most important tasks that they must have our help in. And when we can model for them a calm heart and quiet spirit (and I am not saying I have arrived, I am sharing my aim), we are equipping them for life.

The scripture that blesses me over and over as a priceless reminder to my training with our children, is Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." May God fill our mommy mouths with gentle words so that we don't stir up anger in our children's hearts and our homes.