Dying Hurts

     "Mom, can you come mark my math test?"

     "Mom, are you coming to check my room?"

     "Mom, when is supper?"

     The final question pushed me over my selfish edge and caused the eruption I had been trying hard to contain . . .
    
     Is it possible to hold in the lava of exasperation forever?  BUT did my children deserve to see me frustrated? 

     I'm humbled to say that I slammed down the computer mouse and stomped into the kitchen to finish supper.  All day--and I mean--ALL DAY, I felt like I'd been cast into the role of Cinderella, desperately trying to finish my tasks so that I could "go to the Ball".  The irony is that "my Ball" simply represented a few moments alone to finish a writing assignment, not exactly thrilling or magical, just important to me.  But no matter how I had served others and tried to get everything done, it hadn't been enough.

     The words of Jesus flashed through my mind -- I'm called to deny myself, take up my cross and follow Him; although I'd been following in the meager offering of serving my family, I'd allowed the thought to creep in around my service that I DESERVED a break. 
    
     Oh, those dangerous thoughts that can be justified so easily!

     The ending of the story is better than the beginning -- I put supper on the table and took time to make things right with those I had hurt with my miserable attitude and seek the forgiveness of those I love. 

     Still, I despised the fact that I had "lost it" with them -- those sweet faces around the supper table -- the ones I love more than life itself.  That night I felt the weight of my selfishness.

     The greatest conviction always comes after the lights go out -- do you find that? 

     It's once the prayers are said, the love you forever words are shared, and the doors are closed that it feels the heaviest -- these are the times I run to God and pour out my desperate need for Him to change me inside.  Without Him I realize I am just a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal as it says in I Corinthians 13.

     The famous missionary, Amy Carmichael, is quoted for words that every mother can relate to, "Missionary life is simply a chance to die!"  Is that not the truth for us as mothers, too?  If we replace the words "missionary life" with "motherhood", it's the same truth . . .

     Motherhood is simply a chance to die!  Daily!

     This is the call -- this is what God asks of us as mothers, and nothing less.  There is only one problem -- DYING HURTS!  When we "signed up" for mothering, most of us thought we had a pretty good idea of what we were getting into, but did we really?  No, and it's a good thing.  But would you trade it for anything?  I hope that is also a resounding NO!

     This is not just a call -- this is the greatest call!  As mothers, we are called to die daily in the places where selfishness still reigns, in order that God may continue to develop in us a reflection of His glory.  This is no small privilege and likewise it is no small process.  So let's keep permitting God to work on the places that sting and pinch and hurt -- He is doing a great thing in US!

"He who began a good work

in YOU will carry it on to

completion until the day of
Christ Jesus."

Philippians 1:6

Expect What You are Not Expecting

As time goes along, I have not only learned that there are many things in life that I can count on, but there are also many more things that I cannot count on.  Years ago, I was known to quote the expression - "Expect the least and you won't be disappointed", but my husband challenged me that this wasn't good thinking nor did not line up with God's truth.  I began to retrain myself to not let that expression slip out and instead began thinking more positively and expectantly! 

This year, as we were preparing for Christmas, one of our children expressed great anticipation in a toy that they really wanted to receive for Christmas.  Unfortunately for that child, I had already gone to the store and looked at the toy they had requested and made the decision that we wouldn't give it to them.  My reasons were that I knew the novelty would quickly wear off and I didn't feel it was a quality toy that would benefit them in any way, even though it fit within the budget of what I could spend.  In order to prepare their heart, I let them know that they needed to begin expecting what they were not expecting.  What?  To look forward to something that they didn't know what it would be.

This led me to think about God, and His love and activity in my life.  How often am I disappointed because I don't get what I am hoping for, even though in the long run I get something much better?  I have been known to express frustration when things don't work out the way I would chose and yet, rarely, do I look back on the change and wish it were different  in the end.  If we are really going to take God at His Word, when we are told in Romans 8:28, that "In ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him," then we better be willing to expect what we are not expecting.

There is a song by Garth Brooks called "Unanswered Prayers" that tells the story of a man meeting up with an old girlfriend that he had longed to marry many years before.  It comes out that he had prayed over and over that she would become his wife, but God didn't answer that prayer.  Then as he looks over at the wife He loved and God had chosen, he says...

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers, 
Remember when you're talking to the man upstairs,
That just because He may not answer,
Doesn't mean He don't care,
Some of God's greatest gifts...are unanswered prayers.

Rest in knowing that we can expect what we are not expecting with God and we will not be disappointed!