Dying Hurts

     "Mom, can you come mark my math test?"

     "Mom, are you coming to check my room?"

     "Mom, when is supper?"

     The final question pushed me over my selfish edge and caused the eruption I had been trying hard to contain . . .
    
     Is it possible to hold in the lava of exasperation forever?  BUT did my children deserve to see me frustrated? 

     I'm humbled to say that I slammed down the computer mouse and stomped into the kitchen to finish supper.  All day--and I mean--ALL DAY, I felt like I'd been cast into the role of Cinderella, desperately trying to finish my tasks so that I could "go to the Ball".  The irony is that "my Ball" simply represented a few moments alone to finish a writing assignment, not exactly thrilling or magical, just important to me.  But no matter how I had served others and tried to get everything done, it hadn't been enough.

     The words of Jesus flashed through my mind -- I'm called to deny myself, take up my cross and follow Him; although I'd been following in the meager offering of serving my family, I'd allowed the thought to creep in around my service that I DESERVED a break. 
    
     Oh, those dangerous thoughts that can be justified so easily!

     The ending of the story is better than the beginning -- I put supper on the table and took time to make things right with those I had hurt with my miserable attitude and seek the forgiveness of those I love. 

     Still, I despised the fact that I had "lost it" with them -- those sweet faces around the supper table -- the ones I love more than life itself.  That night I felt the weight of my selfishness.

     The greatest conviction always comes after the lights go out -- do you find that? 

     It's once the prayers are said, the love you forever words are shared, and the doors are closed that it feels the heaviest -- these are the times I run to God and pour out my desperate need for Him to change me inside.  Without Him I realize I am just a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal as it says in I Corinthians 13.

     The famous missionary, Amy Carmichael, is quoted for words that every mother can relate to, "Missionary life is simply a chance to die!"  Is that not the truth for us as mothers, too?  If we replace the words "missionary life" with "motherhood", it's the same truth . . .

     Motherhood is simply a chance to die!  Daily!

     This is the call -- this is what God asks of us as mothers, and nothing less.  There is only one problem -- DYING HURTS!  When we "signed up" for mothering, most of us thought we had a pretty good idea of what we were getting into, but did we really?  No, and it's a good thing.  But would you trade it for anything?  I hope that is also a resounding NO!

     This is not just a call -- this is the greatest call!  As mothers, we are called to die daily in the places where selfishness still reigns, in order that God may continue to develop in us a reflection of His glory.  This is no small privilege and likewise it is no small process.  So let's keep permitting God to work on the places that sting and pinch and hurt -- He is doing a great thing in US!

"He who began a good work

in YOU will carry it on to

completion until the day of
Christ Jesus."

Philippians 1:6

What is Healthy Tension?

  

     It's great to say we have permission to experience varying degrees of tension in our homes -- but what does healthy tension look like?  How do we open the big black door marked TENSION and still sustain the balance that honours God in all we say and do?

     If you are like me, you might wish for a list of neatly typed rules -- what you "can" and "can't" do -- laid out in black and white.  But instead when we search out the Scriptures we find that God gives us guidelines . . . always God goes back to the heart.

     One of the best ways to discern God's intent for our responses to tension is look at His character and learn to imitate Him. 

     In Exodus 34:6 we glimpse a few of God's attributes that can apply to how we deal with tension in a healthy way -- "The compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."

     Filled with compassion and graciousness makes it easier to respond in the way God would want. 

     Slow to anger allows ourselves time to ponder what the real issues could be. 

     Abounding in love and faithfulness makes us a SAFE person to be with, even when there is tension.

     I encourage you to replace the goal of NO tension in your home (which can also be called conflict avoidance) with the goal of HEALTHY tension in your home.  With God's help, may each of our families learn salubrious methods of working tension out to completion so that our relationships are deeper, richer and stronger in the end.

"Be quick to listen,

slow to speak and

slow to become angry."

James 1:19

Permission for Tension

     "YOU'RE allowed to be frustrated today!" 

     I know... you probably didn't need permission to be frustrated, but isn't it good to know it's okay?  I've given much consideration to the challenges that we face in our homes each day and I believe that many of the frustrations we experience are unavoidable -- they just have to happen!  The good news is that our reactions are avoidable -- we have a choice as to how we react to the tensions we face.

     Tension sometimes sneaks into our homes like a quiet mouse and we can be surprised by the discovery it's there, but it can also blow in like a hurricane and we can be very aware of its presence. 

         Either way, when we recognize that some degree of tension is a normal part of a healthy home, it seems easier to handle.  Then we can . . .  

     Let go of idealism that accompanies the hope that we can magically bring our homes to a place of UTOPIA.  Nope, not on this earth!

     You can release that hope on the string of a bright yellow balloon marked "Perfectly Happy Home" and watch it sail up into the sky . . .  because as much as we want that perfect experience, and even hope for it and crave it -- it is not going to happen in the here and now.  Just chalk it up to another reason to look forward to all that heaven will hold for us, if we have placed our trust in Jesus Christ.

     Once we've relegated ourselves to permitting some degree of tension to occur in our home, we can more clearly look at what to do with the emotions that accompany tension.  One of the keys I've discovered is being sure I grasp the part I should play as the parent.

     Our role is to GUIDE our children through the tensions they experience in day-to-day life, not create more that have to be maneuvered. 

     In order for that to happen, we need to spend time in the Word and in prayer, and be asking the Holy Spirit to fill us so we can walk out these challenging moments in a God-honouring way. 

     Look at the deep truth of Romans 2:4 -- we are told that it's God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentance.  Do we realize how that applies to our relationship with our children?

     If it is God's kindness that leads us to repent, will it not be OUR KINDNESS that will lead our children to repent from their wrong attitudes during times of tension? 

      So what do we do?

     Replace anger with kindness and tenderness.

     Seek the Lord for His wisdom and His ways.


     Ask the Holy Spirit to increase His fruit in our lives.

     Pursue forgiveness from our children when we wrong them.

     Stay realistic.

     Remember that God's peace can rest over our homes while His grace can allow healthy tension to be worked through in loving ways.  Tensions can be necessary in order for our kids to become who God has made them to be.  It can also be part of what moves us closer to all that God wants us to become as parents as well.

"As iron sharpens iron,

so one man sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17

Every Word

Words are an important part of every moment of our lives.  We take in information by listening to words, we share words of love, we teach our children words, we understand what our spouse is thinking through their words, we feel built up or torn down with words...we can't escape them.  And yet, for something so significant, it is amazing how carelessly we can let them escape our mouths without a second thought.  We are forewarned in Matthew 12:36 that, "Everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken."  That has made me pause and deeply evaluate how I am speaking and modeling communication through words.

When I listen to my children talk to each other, especially if they are in the heat of an argument between two of them, I can find myself cringing at the words they use.  Do they not hear what they are saying?  Do they not realize that words sting?  Oh, do I not realize I may have sounded the same way the day before?  As parents, we can say all we want, but when it all comes together, our children will imitate what they hear us saying.  If I find one of my children raising their voices with me in an unkind way, often I can trace the previous few days to frustration that I did not handle well.  The responsibility seems too great, and yet, if I go to that child and tell them I should not have spoken that way and ask their forgiveness, I generally find their tone and words calm quickly.

We are told of the danger with our words, in James 3, where the power of the tongue is described.  James also gives us important instruction when he says that both fresh and salt water cannot flow from the same spring and neither should both blessings and curses flow from the same mouth.  Think about the last month, in your marriage relationship, with your spouse...can you honestly say that every word that flowed from your mouth was blessing towards the one you love?  We know it should be, but most of us - myself included - need to realize that there is a gap between where I am at and where God wants me to be.  I like what Solomon tells us in Proverbs 10:19, he says, "Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues."  I am quite sure that the majority of my problems would cease if I held my tongue. 

Part of the challenge in this day and age can be that we feel we have the "right" to let others know what we think - that may be excusable for the secular world, but I do not think that is true for us who call ourselves followers of Christ.  In fact, one practice we have exercised with our children, that I too have applied, is that when we are tempted to say something unkind or uncalled for, we bite down on our tongues.  Not so that they bleed, although that might offer a lesson in itself, but I tell our kids to do it till it hurts - the reminder of a twinge of pain can serve as a reminder to the reality of pain that our words could cause if allowed to escape our mouths.

As I reflect back on family life to this point, I could tell you many things I regret saying, but I can't think of ONE THING that I wish I had said when I chose to bite my tongue.  What seems important to get out in the heat of a moment that we tend to regret later, is either; a temptation of the enemy, so he can use us to tear the other person down (I don't want to be his tool, how about you?), or a careless word that would have been better left unsaid.

Proverbs 21:23 "Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity."

Patience in the Kitchen & Everywhere Else

Oh, to have more patience! Is that not the whispered prayer of every mother you meet?  We know in our hearts that God must have more for us than frustration in moments of pressure, and yet, it is often hard to rise above those emotions.  I am glad to say that as we continue to press into God, over time, He takes us to new levels of patience that we would not have imagined possible - but I am sorry to say, it is not instantaneous.

When I think back to my early days of baking in the kitchen with my children, as an example; I remember lots of moments of fun, that blend together with moments of mommy's significant lack of patience.  It was not the way I wanted to be, but due to having my own set of standards and expectations, I often found my patience was what was lacking.  As I have grown as a mom and a woman, I have found God has done, and definitely continues to do, a deep work in my heart which has allowed patience to increase.  Now when eggs drop on the counter (see above) it can be time for laughter and not frustration.  Know what your areas of greatest weakness in excericising patience are and ask God to help you with that specifically.  When the Bible speaks of patience, it is recognized as one of the fruits that the Spirit produces in us and not just something that comes from "trying harder".  The most important step we can take, is to continue to ask God to fill us with His Spirit, in order to walk out the daily moments in the ways He would have us to.

It is challenging, as a mom, to find the balance in our lives that keeps us from being too hard on ourselves when we do lose our cool; and yet, NEVER settling for acceptance that lack of patience must be just the way we are.  We are told in the Word that LOVE is patient (I Cor.13), and we are called to be patient with everyone (I Thess. 5).  God would not tell us these things if they were not achievable - so don't accept your current situation (that is, if you feel you struggle in lacking patience) as the final answer to this problem. 

Press into God and ask Him to grow more patience in you; and do not believe the lie that it means He will just bring more troubles your way.  That is one of the most overused arguments I have ever heard around the topic of praying for patience - we know that God never allows more than we can handle and He works ALL things for our good, so we should welcome all areas of life as opportunities to grow.  Remember some of the most beautiful flowers that are in the world, are often found growing in the most challenging of environments; if we want God to grow in us a fragrance that blesses our family and others, we need to be open to God's gardening in our lives.

As we spend time in God's Word, we will grow in understanding and wisdom, and as Proverbs 19:11, "A person's wisdom makes him slow to anger."  As we become wise to God's ways, we will grow in applying His truth to the moments of frustration that we will encounter.  Don't give up in growing in patience!

What To Do With Anger

Anger - who likes it?  And yet it is part of life that is hard to avoid at some points; either in our day, week, month or at least year.  Every stage of life seems to bring more opportunities to practice self-control and grow in the direction of handling those incredible emotions of anger better.  Whether it is with the introduction of marriage and now having to share everything with our spouse, or the introduction of children who require even more of everything we have and then some.  These are the realities of life and the place from which we need to grow - I think dealing well with anger is like many things in life...Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back but our ability to gain better self-control does not stay still, we are either moving ahead in growth or falling back in failing.  How do we better manage those moments that life WILL, not might, bring?

I have shared about the topic of expectations (http://www.myheartathome.com/2010/03/expectations.html) before, but for me that plays a significant part in keeping anger in check - with my husband, children, parents, friends, etc...  The more I expect from those around me, the more opportunity I will have to get frustrated and potentially angry with them.  It is not that we shouldn't expect anything, but we need to keep our hopes and expectations of them reasonable so that we do not set ourselves up for disappointments, which can lead to anger. I have also found that the rut of expectations is often based on my own selfishness and not a desire for the best for others.

Also, I need to study myself well and know what areas I am weakest in in order to be prepared to mentally walk into those times in the right mindset.  It can be that certain time of the month, it can be a week of little sleep with a newborn, it can be a week that is filled to the brim with activities (something we work very hard to avoid, but we all get those times once in a while).  Whatever the areas are, it helps to take a few minutes and look ahead to what we might be facing, NOT for the sake of dreading it, but for the sake of putting perspective to it and asking God for His strength to face it.  Remember, that is not a one time prayer, but a "praying without ceasing" type of prayer - there are many times that I know the only thing that has carried me through a "certain time"well has been prayer.

There are many other thoughts I could share, but in an effort to keep it to my favourites,  I will share one more - but you may not like it -  Bite Your Tongue!  There may be issues that need to be handled and spoken to, but sometimes those conversations can and should wait till later.  David speaks to this in Psalm 4:4, where he says, "Don't sin by letting anger control you.  Think about it overnight and remain silent." (I know, someone is going to email me back and say, but Paul says not to let the sun go down on your anger - BUT I think we can use our hearts and our heads and apply wisdom.  I feel they are speaking to two different scenarios - one that you know exactly what I am talking about is that if we are quiet we will avoid alot of useless arguing, where the other may refer to those conversations that must happen even when they are hard.)  

Not only does biting our tongue work SO WELL - it is biblical too.  James 1:19&20 lays out the basics of everything we have spoken of here, "You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.  Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires." It is when we are self-focused that we are best preparing ourselves for anger - "I am offended"..."YOU made me mad"..."I am....", you get the idea.  Throw those feelings and offenses up to God and ask for His help, don't throw them at the other person - remember it is those we love the most we can hurt the hardest.  May our lives be ones of love!