You Don't Have to Like Them, You Just Have to Love Them



     Her tired eyes glanced at the floor briefly, before she bravely let the words slip out in a whisper, "I really don't like my child right now."   My heart softened as I tried to reach out to her in that moment.  This precious, beautiful, loving mother was wrestling with emotions that almost every mother can relate to . . .  but most are not bold enough to put into spoken words. 

     We have these images in our heads of "the perfect mom", don't we?  You know, the one who is always patient, always loves her kids, never tires of the arguments or messes -- and some days we drag ourselves around the house, beating ourselves up and just barely surviving our own kids because we don't measure up to someone that DOESN'T EVEN EXIST!!!  Did you catch that???  You are normal -- mothering is hard work: we aren't perfect and neither are our kids, so there will likely be days when you really don't want to be in the same house as those little (or bigger) ones.

     What are we to do, as moms, when we find our children have drained every bit of "like" out of us?  We LOVE them!

     Paul, the one who penned the words of God in I Corinthians 13, tells us that, "Love...puts up with anything."  Could God have left any unanswered questions in our minds with a statement like that?  It covers what's expected of us in difficult moments but it also gives hope -- hope because it implies that it's okay if we're not always feeling loving.  

     I'd wager a guess that every mother, at some point, hits a brick wall of exhaustion with at least one of their children.  It's something we hesitate to share, and rightly so (our children would be devastated if they ever heard those words come from us), but during a safe, quiet conversation with a close friend, those words need to be shared.  Something similar to the release of a hot air balloon occurs inside when we confide a secret burden with a caring friend. 

     We can't always "like" our children.  Stages and challenges arise over and over that require sheer determination to keep going, but with God's help, we can keep on loving them.

      The difference between like and love with our children is simple -- the things that they are doing whether in the toddler stage, the preteen stage or late adolescence may drive us crazy and can potentially determine whether we find them easy to be with at that moment; but it doesn't change who they are!  They are our children -- the ones that God has entrusted us to raise, and we can CHOOSE to love them and speak words of blessing and affirmation with God's help, even if our own resources have expired.

    

"(Love) always protects,

always trusts, always hopes,

always perseveres. 

Love NEVER fails."

I Corinthians 13:7&8

Wherever You Are...

     The pink Blackberry rang with its shrill sound and the manicured finger tapped the talk button then pressed the phone to her diamond studded ear.  This had to be the fifth phone call in the last half hour at the poolside.  Her children's wet faces scrunched slightly and disappointment seemed to spread over the sunshine on their faces.  Did this mother not see what she was missing?

     The laptop was open at the picnic table and the man typed furiously over the keys, while his wife and children played in the nearby grass with a checkered soccer ball.  "Watch this, Dad!"  And the younger boy, tousled brown hair half covering his eyes, kicked the ball as hard as he could.  "Good, son," was all that the dad offered, but because he failed to glance up, it stole the moment of joy from his sweet son.

     Jim Eliot once said, "Wherever you are, be all there..."  And while that is valuable advice to live by, what if our wherever is not the place that we should really be?

     I recently saw a flashy advertisement pop up on my computer screen that said this -- Buy ______ (this phone) and you can be all there in more than one place!  We all know that isn't possible, but we are part of a generation that is trying to live that way. 

     How do we pull away and KNOW where we are really supposed to be? 

     How do we discover what it is to disconnect from the urgent and connect with the important?

     How do recognize the immeasurable value that surrounds us and let go of the erroneous value that beckons us from beyond?

     Jesus walked on this earth two-thousand years ago and although He didn't have telephones, websites and Facebook, He did have people begging for His every moment.  Sick men, blind men and crippled men called for Him to come to them.  Bleeding women, sinful women and lonely women desperately searched after Him. 

     Jesus knew what it was to be pulled in many directions.

     When we read in the Bible about Jesus giving sight to the blind, healing the sick and forgiving the sinners -- it seems He was very present in the moment.  Wherever Jesus found Himself, He focused on that moment.  On those that were around Him.

     Is that the secret? 

     If we find ourselves home with our four year old, can we be present with them?  Yes, there is laundry to do, but they could sort whites and darks with us while we listen to the most recent knock-knock joke.

     If we are home with our eight year old, can we connect there too?  Yes, there may be supper to make, but they could peel the carrots and share in the happy chatter of the day. 

     And our teenager, even them?  Absolutely, but we may need to pause from what we "need" to do in order to enter their world.  There are moments to share and conversations to savour if we do.

     I have good news . . . there is a second half of Jim Eliot's quote that will help us finish the puzzle . . . when he said, "Wherever you are, be all there," he finished it by saying, "Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

     If we have been given the gift of parenting, then we too MUST find the way to LIVE TO THE HILT and be ALL THERE! 

     Not that we can't take moments for ourselves -- we need that too, but in our heart of hearts we know the difference.  We can take or make the phone calls that need to be done, but we don't stay on the phone all day.  We can enjoy the new email from a friend but keep the response short.  We can plan time to peruse what is important to us on the internet but we don't stay on past what we planned.  All these, and so many more, are just responsible ways of bringing balance to our lives, in order that we can be ALL THERE in the places where God has placed us!

"Show me your ways, O Lord,

teach me your paths;

guide me in your truth and 

teach me, for you are my God

my Saviour, and my hope is in you."

Psalm 25:4 & 5 

Being the "Bad Guy"

Some days parenting is just plain, old-fashioned hard work!  You know the kind of days that I am referring to, don't you?  They are the ones that, no matter how hard you try, as a mom you end up being the "bad guy"out of necessity.  I, personally, do not enjoy these days very much and I continually need to remind myself that they are for a greater purpose than the pleasure of a happy child in the moment.

  Our children do not know what is best for themselves and one of our roles as parents is to direct them in proper choices.  Proverbs 22:6 says we are to, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."  I recently heard it shared that this means we need to discover the "bent" that each of our children has been given and work with them in the ways need to be taught.  This means hard work and hard choices...when they want to do something that is not good for them, it means saying "no".  It means that if they are acting in ways that they should not be acting, we need to correct them.  It means that if they are not showing respect to us as parents, or others in their lives, they need to be shown that is not right.  The challenge in all of those examples is that it means we will look like, and possibly feel like, the "bad guy".

Our choices in shaping our children for the future have to be directed by a vision for what we want them to become, not how we "feel" in the moment.  It is too easy, especially in this culture, not to bother training our children because we are too tired, or too busy, or too whatever.  We live in a time where anything goes and there are excuses for everything!  I have a long way to go with my children and I seem to wear the "bad guy" hat often enough, but I wear it with love for my children and a desire to see them grow into adults who will be a blessing to many around them.

I recently watched a friend remove her daughter from a situation that she was misbehaving in and take her off alone to address the issue - I was so proud of her!  It wasn't convenient, it wasn't fun, it wasn't easy, but that didn't matter - it was accomplishing the long term goal of a well behaved child that will grown into beautiful adult.  We need to keep the same focus with our children - it is too easy to think that when we overlook bad behaviour it won't make a difference - just this once - but it will.  Just this once, too easily becomes the default for the way we address issues with our children and they are so smart, they know what they can get away with and what they can't.

The harder we work in the earlier years, the greater the fruit will be later on - it is worth it!  Hebrews 12:11 says, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."