Don't Stop...till you get to the Heart!

     Again - harsh, prickly words bounce off the windows in the back of our van and I feel my shoulders sag.  Will this never end?  Will my children never learn how to be kind to one another?

     I turn the vehicle into our driveway and I'm tempted to join the firing squad and add my own set of "bullets" to the words that are moving at the speed of light, but I stop short.  It won't make it any better.  In fact, unless I reach the heart of each of these children, I'll never deal with the real issue -- the roots.

     Over and over, I resist the urge to apply a band aid to poor behavior; although it feels as attractive as fresh churned butter must to a housefly. 

     I know God wants more than band aids in parenting these children.  Some days I can't believe he entrusts me with this staggering privilege and task of training these young ones.  Does He really think I'll ever succeed?

     There's my first clue that I must have slipped back into relying on my own strength -- that I've been taking the responsibility back into my hands.  It's GOD'S JOB and I'm His vessel to flow through with my children, and I know if I am really going to see these issues resolve then I have to go deeper than rules and consequences . . . I have to get to their hearts!

     Why is it so easy to put on band aids and leave the roots buried?  

     Because I tire of this task.  It's easier to "make" them obey than it is to help them see why they should WANT to obey.

     If God's going to be able to access their hearts, then they must see their need for His help.  Not through belittling them or embarrassment but through gentle one-on-one conversations that expose what lies deeper than the surface of the actions in question.

     It reminds of Jesus' words in Matthew 15, when He said, "The things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean'."  Ouch.  That hits so close to home that I can feel the heat flood my face.

     God, help me to never become satisfied with only altering my children's behavior.  Don't let me stop until I get to the heart of each of my children, so they'll learn what it is to cry out to You for their rescue from the issues buried deep inside.  Thank you that Your love is deeper, wider and greater than anything else this world could offer!  Amen.

 

"I speak as to my children-

open wide your hearts...for

we are the temple of the living God."

II Corinthians 6:13&16

Do I Have To?

"Awww, mommm, do I have to?"  The phrase rang out through the house and I felt my heart become heavy.  I had been forewarned that parenting wasn't easy, but exhausting?  No one had quite worded it that way.  The days run together and the divergence of them leaves me with my mouth gaped open some days.  The same child moves from, "Let me help you, Mommy" into "Why do I have to do that?", sometimes within moments.

Is there anything that can fully prepare one for the will of a child? 

Experience and God's truth are the two strongest allies that I have found.  I have learned better over time how to stand my ground like a soldier in battle -- somehow it can seem I need permission to stand up to my children and speak the awful "NO" word.  Culture and secular parenting resources attempt to seduce me into the lie that if I discipline my children in any way, other than delightful, I am ruining them for life.  Adam and Eve were tempted with fruit that promised more than it could offer, too. 

Clear instruction that God offers is not for the faint of heart.  When I am told to, "Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them" (Proverbs 19:18), I sense the urgency that is being communicated.  I have limited time to work with and although my goal is to be a loving, joy-filled mother, that does not exclude me training up my children in the way they should go.  Enough water has travelled under the bridge of my parenting experience to know that this means HARD WORK and SAD KIDS some days.

I have shared it before and I will share it again -- Our goal with our children is not happiness, it's holiness (quote from the Ezzos).  Some days I feel that I need to find a permanent marker and write that on the foreheads of my children.  I have to keep that in front of me!  I love my children, I believe as much as any mother could;  and training them, instructing them, calling them to obedience is no task for the faint-hearted. 

C.S. Lewis once said, "If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." 

Do I see how this applies to my parenting? I ask myself.  I grapple with the learned precision of a tight-rope walker, for that is what I feel I must become.  I know that I am called to be a mom, as it says in Galatians 5, who is full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (the fruits of the Spirit); but I am ever aware that I can't neglect the warnings that God has laid out for me.  I don't want the despair in the end. 

Peace and delight will come to my soul, IF I discipline my son or daughter (Proverbs 29:17). 

I am told not to withhold discipline because it saves my child from death (Proverbs 23:13).

The day closes and I am amazed -- each of my five take their turns with their heads nuzzled in close to mine -- they each share whispers of their own variations of committed love and appreciation.  After all that, they don't despise me?  NO, far more than that, somehow in God's incredible design, it is because of the discipline (when blended with love) not in spite of it, that there is rich, deep and secure love.

"The Lord disciplines those He loves."  Hebrews 12:6



Being the "Bad Guy"

Some days parenting is just plain, old-fashioned hard work!  You know the kind of days that I am referring to, don't you?  They are the ones that, no matter how hard you try, as a mom you end up being the "bad guy"out of necessity.  I, personally, do not enjoy these days very much and I continually need to remind myself that they are for a greater purpose than the pleasure of a happy child in the moment.

  Our children do not know what is best for themselves and one of our roles as parents is to direct them in proper choices.  Proverbs 22:6 says we are to, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."  I recently heard it shared that this means we need to discover the "bent" that each of our children has been given and work with them in the ways need to be taught.  This means hard work and hard choices...when they want to do something that is not good for them, it means saying "no".  It means that if they are acting in ways that they should not be acting, we need to correct them.  It means that if they are not showing respect to us as parents, or others in their lives, they need to be shown that is not right.  The challenge in all of those examples is that it means we will look like, and possibly feel like, the "bad guy".

Our choices in shaping our children for the future have to be directed by a vision for what we want them to become, not how we "feel" in the moment.  It is too easy, especially in this culture, not to bother training our children because we are too tired, or too busy, or too whatever.  We live in a time where anything goes and there are excuses for everything!  I have a long way to go with my children and I seem to wear the "bad guy" hat often enough, but I wear it with love for my children and a desire to see them grow into adults who will be a blessing to many around them.

I recently watched a friend remove her daughter from a situation that she was misbehaving in and take her off alone to address the issue - I was so proud of her!  It wasn't convenient, it wasn't fun, it wasn't easy, but that didn't matter - it was accomplishing the long term goal of a well behaved child that will grown into beautiful adult.  We need to keep the same focus with our children - it is too easy to think that when we overlook bad behaviour it won't make a difference - just this once - but it will.  Just this once, too easily becomes the default for the way we address issues with our children and they are so smart, they know what they can get away with and what they can't.

The harder we work in the earlier years, the greater the fruit will be later on - it is worth it!  Hebrews 12:11 says, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."