What is Healthy Tension?

  

     It's great to say we have permission to experience varying degrees of tension in our homes -- but what does healthy tension look like?  How do we open the big black door marked TENSION and still sustain the balance that honours God in all we say and do?

     If you are like me, you might wish for a list of neatly typed rules -- what you "can" and "can't" do -- laid out in black and white.  But instead when we search out the Scriptures we find that God gives us guidelines . . . always God goes back to the heart.

     One of the best ways to discern God's intent for our responses to tension is look at His character and learn to imitate Him. 

     In Exodus 34:6 we glimpse a few of God's attributes that can apply to how we deal with tension in a healthy way -- "The compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."

     Filled with compassion and graciousness makes it easier to respond in the way God would want. 

     Slow to anger allows ourselves time to ponder what the real issues could be. 

     Abounding in love and faithfulness makes us a SAFE person to be with, even when there is tension.

     I encourage you to replace the goal of NO tension in your home (which can also be called conflict avoidance) with the goal of HEALTHY tension in your home.  With God's help, may each of our families learn salubrious methods of working tension out to completion so that our relationships are deeper, richer and stronger in the end.

"Be quick to listen,

slow to speak and

slow to become angry."

James 1:19

Permission for Tension

     "YOU'RE allowed to be frustrated today!" 

     I know... you probably didn't need permission to be frustrated, but isn't it good to know it's okay?  I've given much consideration to the challenges that we face in our homes each day and I believe that many of the frustrations we experience are unavoidable -- they just have to happen!  The good news is that our reactions are avoidable -- we have a choice as to how we react to the tensions we face.

     Tension sometimes sneaks into our homes like a quiet mouse and we can be surprised by the discovery it's there, but it can also blow in like a hurricane and we can be very aware of its presence. 

         Either way, when we recognize that some degree of tension is a normal part of a healthy home, it seems easier to handle.  Then we can . . .  

     Let go of idealism that accompanies the hope that we can magically bring our homes to a place of UTOPIA.  Nope, not on this earth!

     You can release that hope on the string of a bright yellow balloon marked "Perfectly Happy Home" and watch it sail up into the sky . . .  because as much as we want that perfect experience, and even hope for it and crave it -- it is not going to happen in the here and now.  Just chalk it up to another reason to look forward to all that heaven will hold for us, if we have placed our trust in Jesus Christ.

     Once we've relegated ourselves to permitting some degree of tension to occur in our home, we can more clearly look at what to do with the emotions that accompany tension.  One of the keys I've discovered is being sure I grasp the part I should play as the parent.

     Our role is to GUIDE our children through the tensions they experience in day-to-day life, not create more that have to be maneuvered. 

     In order for that to happen, we need to spend time in the Word and in prayer, and be asking the Holy Spirit to fill us so we can walk out these challenging moments in a God-honouring way. 

     Look at the deep truth of Romans 2:4 -- we are told that it's God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentance.  Do we realize how that applies to our relationship with our children?

     If it is God's kindness that leads us to repent, will it not be OUR KINDNESS that will lead our children to repent from their wrong attitudes during times of tension? 

      So what do we do?

     Replace anger with kindness and tenderness.

     Seek the Lord for His wisdom and His ways.


     Ask the Holy Spirit to increase His fruit in our lives.

     Pursue forgiveness from our children when we wrong them.

     Stay realistic.

     Remember that God's peace can rest over our homes while His grace can allow healthy tension to be worked through in loving ways.  Tensions can be necessary in order for our kids to become who God has made them to be.  It can also be part of what moves us closer to all that God wants us to become as parents as well.

"As iron sharpens iron,

so one man sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17