A Furious Squall

     Dollhouses were spread across the living room rug like a sprawling town -- dinky cars were arranged in rows and ready to race at high speeds.  Voices chattered happily while sharing plans of what should happen next in their game, when suddenly an argument erupted in the midst of their pretend town.

     "Give it back!  It's mine."

     "No, it's not, it's mine."

     "I only let you borrow it!"

     My heart fell in sadness.  It's so hard to listen to the ones you love tear each other apart.  And I don't enjoy the energy it requires to rectify the situation either. 

     A verse flashed back from my morning's time in the Word . . . in Mark 4 where we hear the story of Jesus in the boat with His disciples.  Verse 37 sounded like our house, "A furious squall came up."  That's us, I thought, that describes these moments with my children.  But even better, it reminded me of the solution too.

     Only two verses later, we find Jesus standing up, saying, "Quiet! Be still!"  And we're told it became completely calm!

     How do we get that power flowing in our homes and with our children?  To go from furious squalls to complete calm?

     We learn to invite Jesus into the midst of our storms.

     I'll be honest ~  I'm sharing more from failure than success here, but over and over, when He's been invited, I've seen Jesus move in the midst of our stormy seas at home. 

     I need that picture in my mind: Jesus speaking to our tossed boat (house) and watching those waves (arguments) become as calm and quiet as a still night.  Jesus can be that real in our moments of tension and frustration but He MUST BE INVITED!  Come Lord Jesus, into our homes and calm squalls of life.

"Now may the Lord of Peace

Himself give you peace at

ALL times and in EVERY way."

II Thessalonians 3:16

The Value of Bickering

     The value of bickering?  What?!  How could there be ANY value when children bicker and siblings seem to fight near to death?

     I can't imagine ever reaching the point of being truly thankful for the arguments that are waged in our home, but I have come to appreciate the value behind it all.  Ecclesiastes 4 says, "Two are better than one," and we all know that if we only had one child there wouldn't be any bickering -- so how could Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived, say two are better?

     Take heart, dear mom,  there are godly, mature adults being formed in those little bodies we call our children. 

     If it weren't for the challenges our children face in their relationships now, while we're present to guide them, then awful times would lie ahead in their futures.  Just as it's monumentally easier to learn a second language when you're a child compared to the frustration of learning one as an adult, so it's true with the lessons of life found in the home at a young age. 

     The lessons our children learn now as we train them how to communicate their feelings, control their natural reactions and offer or seek forgiveness are invaluable to their future. 

     Could we go as far as saying these lessons are even more valuable than any academics they may pursue?

     What's really happening as our little ones attempt to swing their arms and raise their voices to decibels that threaten to shake the rafters?  With our help and intervention, they're making each other stronger individuals. 

     In Proverbs 27, we're told that ,"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."  And what happens when iron hits iron?  Sparks fly!  It's not always pleasant or pretty as we would choose or prefer, but can you see it's necessary?

     So should we lower our standards and let those fists fly freely in the living room boxing ring? 

     No, I believe as godly parents we are called on to train each of our children in the way they SHOULD go, not the way they naturally go.  That means strenuous work on our part, with long hours and little reward in the early years.

     One day, if we don't give up, we'll look around and notice . . .
    
     ~ a little more peace in the air,

     ~ an apology offered without prompting,

     ~ or even a gentle smile where there could have been offense,

     and we'll raise our hands in victory because God will have rewarded the labour of our hearts and hands.

     Never give up, moms!  Children's voices can hurt our hearts and the bickering shake our heads, but as long as they have breath, there is hope. 

     The enemy's tactic is to whisper that our children are different than the ones down the street, or that they will never change, BUT that is not God's final word.  We have God's final word that the reward waits for those who persevere in these challenging times.

"Let us not grow tired

of doing what is good.

At just the right time

we WILL reap a

harvest of blessing IF

we don't give up."

Galatians 6:9



A Near-Tragic Reminder

"Our days on earth are like grass;

like wildflowers, we bloom and die."

Psalm 103:15

     Only yesterday evening, our vehicle moved along the highway with a seemingly constant dark cloud overhead -- both figuratively and literally.  The weather was dull and rainy, the kids were bickering in the back, my mood had grown miserable, and I'm sure my husband would have pushed an eject button for his seat had there been one.  Just one of those car rides that was lasting a little too long . . . and then it happened.

     As we crested the top of a hill on the four-lane highway, we all saw the scene before us simultaneously -- two cars had smashed only moments prior, debris was everywhere and no emergency vehicles were on the scene.  My husband quickly pulled our vehicle over beside a small, black, twisted car and said, "There's a baby in that one, hurry." 

     I jumped out and rushed to the driver's side to see what meager help I could offer, wishing I had more than standard first aid. 

     A moment in time when I felt my head try to prepare my heart for the worst.

     "HELP MY BABY!  HELP MY BABY!"   The cries that hit my ears were those of the frantic driver of the car.  Blood poured down her arm and glass covered her now-stained, pink sweatshirt.  She already had removed the baby from the car seat, so hoping I wouldn't make any pending injuries worse, I took the baby from her arms and grabbed paper towel to press against the woman's gash. 

     The baby screamed as I held onto her, but other than a few small shards of glass over her, she seemed alright.  The woman made some panicked phone calls on a cell phone as I tried to steady her with my free arm.  Within moments, a few police officers arrived and soon after two ambulances.  The attendants took the baby and whisked her and the woman away in the emergency vehicle.  The police officer asked us a few questions and suddenly we were free to go on our way.

     The problem is, how do you "go on your way" after witnessing something like that?  

     You just get in your car and drive away and pretend life is rosy?  Never!  I discovered that evening.  Our kids had witnessed the whole event from the safety of their car seats.  My husband had stood near watching for how he could help.  I had just held a baby whose life had been inches from tragedy.

     In that instant I learned that bickering is more trivial than I realized.  That life is more fragile than I had remembered. 

     As we drove away and prayed for those in the accident, one of my children said from the backseat, "If we had been there one minute earlier we might have seen what happened." 

     To which my older child responded, "No, we might have been what happened!"

     We let the soberness of that thought sink in for a moment and then processed the delicateness of life together.  How we need to treasure each other and every moment we are given, and be sure that we are keeping short accounts of wrong while extending generous amounts of grace.  And realize everything that we often take for granted can change in a heartbeat.

     I share this near-tragedy in hopes that it may be a reminder beyond the walls of our vehicle -- that the next time a fight erupts in the backseat, we make every moment and word count as if it could be our last ones . . . and couldn't that look different?

  "Mercy, peace and love

be yours in abundance."

Jude1:2

     

Permission for Tension

     "YOU'RE allowed to be frustrated today!" 

     I know... you probably didn't need permission to be frustrated, but isn't it good to know it's okay?  I've given much consideration to the challenges that we face in our homes each day and I believe that many of the frustrations we experience are unavoidable -- they just have to happen!  The good news is that our reactions are avoidable -- we have a choice as to how we react to the tensions we face.

     Tension sometimes sneaks into our homes like a quiet mouse and we can be surprised by the discovery it's there, but it can also blow in like a hurricane and we can be very aware of its presence. 

         Either way, when we recognize that some degree of tension is a normal part of a healthy home, it seems easier to handle.  Then we can . . .  

     Let go of idealism that accompanies the hope that we can magically bring our homes to a place of UTOPIA.  Nope, not on this earth!

     You can release that hope on the string of a bright yellow balloon marked "Perfectly Happy Home" and watch it sail up into the sky . . .  because as much as we want that perfect experience, and even hope for it and crave it -- it is not going to happen in the here and now.  Just chalk it up to another reason to look forward to all that heaven will hold for us, if we have placed our trust in Jesus Christ.

     Once we've relegated ourselves to permitting some degree of tension to occur in our home, we can more clearly look at what to do with the emotions that accompany tension.  One of the keys I've discovered is being sure I grasp the part I should play as the parent.

     Our role is to GUIDE our children through the tensions they experience in day-to-day life, not create more that have to be maneuvered. 

     In order for that to happen, we need to spend time in the Word and in prayer, and be asking the Holy Spirit to fill us so we can walk out these challenging moments in a God-honouring way. 

     Look at the deep truth of Romans 2:4 -- we are told that it's God's KINDNESS that leads us to repentance.  Do we realize how that applies to our relationship with our children?

     If it is God's kindness that leads us to repent, will it not be OUR KINDNESS that will lead our children to repent from their wrong attitudes during times of tension? 

      So what do we do?

     Replace anger with kindness and tenderness.

     Seek the Lord for His wisdom and His ways.


     Ask the Holy Spirit to increase His fruit in our lives.

     Pursue forgiveness from our children when we wrong them.

     Stay realistic.

     Remember that God's peace can rest over our homes while His grace can allow healthy tension to be worked through in loving ways.  Tensions can be necessary in order for our kids to become who God has made them to be.  It can also be part of what moves us closer to all that God wants us to become as parents as well.

"As iron sharpens iron,

so one man sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17

Best Friends

Best Friends...Siblings...is it possible the two can mean the same thing? I believe with all my heart it is, but many days I am walking by faith and not by sight on that one. There are many squabbles to grow through before the fruit can really be enjoyed.

I am sure you can relate to the joys of helping children understand that they are each other's best friend, if you have more than one child. In fact, that is a statement we repeat to each of them, over and over, trying to lay the foundation of the value of their siblings - you are each other's best friend.

There are so many truths that the Word provides us that we need to share with our children. I think back to when our oldest two children were about five and three, and we were discussing Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." I was sharing this with our then five year old son, with the goal of helping him see the importance of recognizing his sister was his best friend. Without missing a beat, he looked at me and said, "But mom, it says brothers are for adversity." We looked together more closely to see that it means they are they for hard times to lean on...I think he was a little disappointed.

The heart of what I want to share is this - children will fight. It is a fact that is accepted for every family BUT it is not to end there. It is the pathway that we are given as parents, to guide our children in the ways of godly, loving relationships. When I think of our five children and how many arguments I have to judge in, I feel like a leader of old that used to have to sit on his throne all day and listen to both sides of stories. Helping our children work through their disagreements in a calm way is not an easy task, but it is one of the most important tasks that they must have our help in. And when we can model for them a calm heart and quiet spirit (and I am not saying I have arrived, I am sharing my aim), we are equipping them for life.

The scripture that blesses me over and over as a priceless reminder to my training with our children, is Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." May God fill our mommy mouths with gentle words so that we don't stir up anger in our children's hearts and our homes.