BIG PICTURE VISION

     As I sat in the Sunday morning service, I began to see dots connecting in my mothering brain, as our pastor gave the message.  He was speaking of the difference between having tunnel vision (only seeing what is right in front of us) and big picture vision (seeing beyond the immediate) in different areas of life; but I began to see how easily I used to have, and can still fall back into the trap of, tunnel vision in parenting.

     Even though my vision for parenting has increased with each year that our children have grown, I still find every once in a while that I start to wish I could go back to the earlier years with the perspective I have now.  It's not that I did things "wrong" back then (although I know I made lots of mistakes), it's just that I see more clearly now the WHY of so many parenting issues that I felt overwhelmed by then.

     In the early years it's so easy to parent primarily out of tunnel vision -- it's what is happening right in front of us...the whining child who won't relent, the crying baby who won't settle, the defiant toddler who insists on their way...these are examples of all-consuming moments, aren't they?  

     You may ask, "How can I even imagine a bigger picture when it's so hard right now?"

     But then it happens, you get ahead a little further in the journey and you realize that what you are doing now is for the purpose of the future...it makes the "no" answers, that we have to give our children, contain greater purpose than just what is happening in the stressful moment of today.

     It really boils down to Proverbs 22:6 when we're told to, "Train up a child in the way he should go, so that WHEN HE IS OLD he will not depart."  Not old -- as in 2 days older -- but old as in years later -- that, my friend, is BIG picture vision.

     IF we can grasp a glimpse of this in our parenting, it could radically transform the way we view the challenges of each day!  What if we saw the frustrations we experience on a regular basis as fresh opportunities to lay foundation stones that our child will need to function as a godly adult?

"Bring (your children) up in

the training and instruction 

of the Lord."

Ephesians 6:4

Sour Faces

     “Could you please take out the kitchen garbage?”

     “Could you please dry the lunch dishes?”

     “Could you please pick up the building blocks?”

     Daily, as moms, we’re required to make requests of our children that will make their faces sour and scrunch in dismay -- does that mean we should stop?  No, but we may need to brace ourselves for the inevitable reactions while we DO OUR JOB.

     I dread the high-pitched wails of complaining as much as any other mother, but I refuse to rob our children of the opportunity to contribute to our home.

     But something even greater occurs in these moments of instruction that may go unnoticed at first, but be appreciated later . . . our children learn to obey our voice.  What seems basic and simple when they’re young becomes the stepping stone for God to build on in their lives.

     How will our children know how to obey the voice of God if they haven’t first learned to obey the voice of a parent?

     We resist and dread the natural reactions that come out of our children’s mouths -- we wonder where we went wrong and fail to realize this as a “normal” part of the journey. 

     Instead, we must see the gift we’re giving our children as precious, even though it’s wrapped in paper that isn’t appealing to them.  Keep pressing on with determination inspired from above.

“Whether you turn to the right or to the left,

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

 ‘This is the way; walk in it.’”
Isaiah 30:21



Entertain ME

     Have you heard the alarming news?  An epidemic of monstrous proportions is sweeping across the country, even as your eyes scan over the bold type of this page, it is increasing in severity.  It is the disease of "entertainment" and many children are experiencing severe symptoms accompanied by concerning side effects.  Worse yet, although it was once thought to be a childhood illness, it has been found to travel to adults as well.

     Do you know of what I am speaking?  Have you seen some of the symptoms in your home? 

     The early warning signs are exhibited through whining and complaining with sporadic use of the "B" word (bored).  But as the condition goes untreated its effects become more severe: refusal to help around the house, addiction to electronic games and toys, extended time watching television, inability to venture outside four walls, complete loss of interest in the Bible and church . . . on and on the list goes.

     You may think I'm simply attempting humour but I'm not.  This is an attempt to draw your attention to something I feel is of prodigious proportions . . . our children are being pulled towards an intense vaccuum labelled "ENTERTAIN ME" and beyond that suction entry point is a deep dark hole from which it is very hard to return.

     Never before have our children been less "needed" when it comes to responsibilties in real life.

     Never before have there been so many ways to relax, play and consume.

     Never before have we, as parents, felt at such a loss for the right way to go.

     How the Disease Grows:

1. Children are not required to help around the house or contribute to those around them
2. Children are not monitored for reasonable amounts of electronic games, movies & TV
3. Children are left to their own schedules, not incorporated into family life
4. Children are allowed to muddle at a lower standard and are not called to God's standard
5. Children are permitted to believe they are THE WORLD instead of only a part of the world

    
     Part of the Cure:

1. Find ways for each child to know they are a necessary part of the home and community you live in -- responsibilities with meals, clean up, yard work, visiting shut-ins, making cookies for a neighbour, helping a sibling, etc...
2. Don't be soft on media-- if you have game systems and televsions then be SURE you know what they are playing and watching, and set allotted times and STICK TO IT -- lack of consistency often lies more in the parent than the child
3. Prayfully look at your days and weeks, then set a rhythm and routine that incorporates the BIG ROCKS first (read more here from a previous post -- Begin with the End)
4. Stay firm on the standards that God has placed in His Word and expect each child to do the same -- it is too easy to look at the "Joneses" and assume our kids are fine with medicore
5. Gently show each child that they are precious but God has placed many other people around them that they can love and serve, and be sure as the parent that you place your relationship with God and your spouse as high priority

      This isn't meant to be a list of rules -- can do's and can't do's -- that's not how God works! 

     But as parents, we need to be very aware and vigilant of how serious this problem is . . . many frustrated organizations report young adults can't hold down jobs because they are up half the night playing video games, mothers soberly whisper of daughters who act as if no one else in this world matters but them, and fathers break down in tears because they have lost the opportunity to mold their sons.

     We need to realize that the small things we do now with our children will enable them to do big things later when they are adults.  Most importantly, we must see that God has called us to train up our children in the way they should go and that begins NOW, not next week.

"I raised you up for this very

purpose, that I might display

My power in you and that

My name might be proclaimed

in all the earth."

Romans 9:17



     

Stick it Out

     "Mommmm, why do I have to empty the dishwasher?  I just did dishes yesterday."  My daughter groaned as she carelessly tossed pieces of Tupperware onto the counter.  "Don't you know that I am just a kid?  I don't think I should have to do this much work."  This time silverware crashed onto the blue top -- and I sighed.

     It would be so much easier to just do this myself!  I resisted the urge to tell her to forget about it, and I stuck it out as another round of complaining began.  I briefly lectured her on the benefits she would experience by obtaining these skills, but that did not carry the impact I had hoped, so I resorted to the simple answer -- it was something that just had to be done!

     As the last items were put into their place, she surveyed the clean counters and empty dishwasher with a slightly satisfied grin.  I knew she was pleased with the results even though she had not enjoyed the process. 

     "Thank you for doing a good job," I offered, "it looks great."   She apologized for her attitude and then happily skipped off to play, while I lingered in the kitchen for a few more minutes.  My feet felt the coolness of the linoleum floor and my heart felt the enervation from the fight for the small victory won.

     I released a long breath out slowly.

     Many moments of child-training seemed far more significant and intense than this one, I reflected, so why did I feel so battle weary?  I suppose the grander battles were a non-negotiable in my mind -- but this?  I could walk away from doing the dishes alone and not feel badly at all. 

     Smaller tasks appeared easier to excuse because they lacked the feeling of importance in the moment -- but couldn't that be a problem? 

     Life consists of hundreds of small tasks done WELL, not just a few colossal accomplishments under our belts.

     If our children are going to shine in the adult world someday, then this is the training ground NOW.  For me, as mom and trainer, it will be because I held them to the little things . . . that they will be ready for the subsequent roles and responsibilities that God has for them in the future. 

     Sticking it out on the small tasks in the here and now, will make the later a beautiful experience -- for both my children and me.

 "She (or he) sets about her work

vigorously; her arms are

strong for her tasks."

Proverbs 31:17

Do I Have To?

"Awww, mommm, do I have to?"  The phrase rang out through the house and I felt my heart become heavy.  I had been forewarned that parenting wasn't easy, but exhausting?  No one had quite worded it that way.  The days run together and the divergence of them leaves me with my mouth gaped open some days.  The same child moves from, "Let me help you, Mommy" into "Why do I have to do that?", sometimes within moments.

Is there anything that can fully prepare one for the will of a child? 

Experience and God's truth are the two strongest allies that I have found.  I have learned better over time how to stand my ground like a soldier in battle -- somehow it can seem I need permission to stand up to my children and speak the awful "NO" word.  Culture and secular parenting resources attempt to seduce me into the lie that if I discipline my children in any way, other than delightful, I am ruining them for life.  Adam and Eve were tempted with fruit that promised more than it could offer, too. 

Clear instruction that God offers is not for the faint of heart.  When I am told to, "Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them" (Proverbs 19:18), I sense the urgency that is being communicated.  I have limited time to work with and although my goal is to be a loving, joy-filled mother, that does not exclude me training up my children in the way they should go.  Enough water has travelled under the bridge of my parenting experience to know that this means HARD WORK and SAD KIDS some days.

I have shared it before and I will share it again -- Our goal with our children is not happiness, it's holiness (quote from the Ezzos).  Some days I feel that I need to find a permanent marker and write that on the foreheads of my children.  I have to keep that in front of me!  I love my children, I believe as much as any mother could;  and training them, instructing them, calling them to obedience is no task for the faint-hearted. 

C.S. Lewis once said, "If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." 

Do I see how this applies to my parenting? I ask myself.  I grapple with the learned precision of a tight-rope walker, for that is what I feel I must become.  I know that I am called to be a mom, as it says in Galatians 5, who is full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (the fruits of the Spirit); but I am ever aware that I can't neglect the warnings that God has laid out for me.  I don't want the despair in the end. 

Peace and delight will come to my soul, IF I discipline my son or daughter (Proverbs 29:17). 

I am told not to withhold discipline because it saves my child from death (Proverbs 23:13).

The day closes and I am amazed -- each of my five take their turns with their heads nuzzled in close to mine -- they each share whispers of their own variations of committed love and appreciation.  After all that, they don't despise me?  NO, far more than that, somehow in God's incredible design, it is because of the discipline (when blended with love) not in spite of it, that there is rich, deep and secure love.

"The Lord disciplines those He loves."  Hebrews 12:6



Walk This Way

There are many aspects of parenting that can amaze us, thrill us, captivate us, overwhelm us, and ultimately take us to our knees...what a job we have been given, isn't it?  I never cease to be surprised at what the next turn in the road brings for new joys and new challenges, but there is one thing that always remains constant and steady...

    God has mapped out the path we are to take.

We may not have the full picture of the journey - in fact no one really does - but God has already mapped it out and He has gone ahead, cleared the way and is prepared to direct us.  One of the most reassuring verses in the Bible for me, is found in Proverbs 3:5&6, where it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." I am told that a more accurate translation from the original would say he directs our paths, even though they are not always straight.  Either way, it is so good to know that when we are TRUSTING in God with all our heart and not just depending on our opinions, He WILL show us the way to go.

It causes me to reflect on the task we have in raising up our children...each day as we work, and talk, and laugh, and live life; as parents, we are (or should be) laying foundations in our children's lives that will give them a map to follow as they grow older.  I remember author and speaker, Sally Clarkson, saying that her adult son told her that he could hear her voice in his head reminding him of where to go and what was right to do.  What a legacy to leave, as long as what we leave in our children's heads is love and truthfulness that lines up with God's Word. 

I believe that each day as we love, train and equip our children with daily life lessons, we are laying a foundation in their hearts that will guide them in their years ahead.  As we teach them to obey us, as parents, we are teaching them to obey God once they are grown.  My hope for each of my children is that they will be as in Isaiah 30:21, where it says...
          "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'."

Truly Thankful

I had the privilege of overhearing a sweet exchange between a parent and a child recently, while I was sitting in a restaurant.  At the completion of their meal, the little girl, who could not have been older than six, looked up to her dad and said, "Thank you so much for such a wonderful supper, Daddy, it was really good."  I was touched by her sincerity, but even more so by knowing it was voluntarily offered and not reminded.  It caused me to think of how often we have worked with our children to remind them to express thankfulness, and how amazed I am that these expressive moments rarely come naturally - they are taught.

It is valuable information to know that the good things we want to see our children modeling are not going to come naturally.  To a certain extent, if we demonstrate thankfulness they will duplicate it, but we need to take it further than hoping they copy us.  We need to teach thankfulness, encourage thankfulness and expect thankfulness.  Going into the holidays is a good time to put into practice simple reminders for the younger children in our lives, that will assist them into the social settings they may find themselves in.  We have tried to share our expectations with our children, before we arrive at a new destination or before our guests arrive, of what we would like to see them remember to say and do.  With our older children, it may be as simple as reminding them to hold out their hand to greet our guests and offer to take their coats; and with our younger ones it is the reminders of saying please and thank you, as well as looking our friends in the eyes and smiling when they are spoken to.

I have to be honest in telling you that as our first children began to grow a little older, I was disappointed at how much they didn't remember what they were taught.  We would go somewhere and I would need to gently whisper to say please or  use a hand sign to them for thank you - not just once or twice, but over and over.  I really thought I was doing something wrong - why aren't they able to remember this?  I would wonder.  Have you ever noticed how other people's children can seem more well behaved or grateful than our own?  But what I began to notice over a lot of time was that I wasn't reminding them nearly as often; and now as I watch my oldest ones I have often found they go above and beyond what I would have asked or expected of them and it comes naturally to them. 

My only intention in sharing these thoughts, is to encourage you - especially if your children are young - that as in most things, kids do not learn thankfulness overnight.  It is normal and good to gently and patiently remind them lots of times of what we need and expect of them.  It is not a reason to lower our expectations of their behaviour but certainly a good reminder to keep our expectations reasonable of the time frame in which they learn these things.  As with so many other points in parenting - "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old (that means much, much later) he will not turn from it."  (Proverbs 22:6)

Remember, as we instruct them with God's words from the Bible we will lay a foundation that they will not forget - one of our children's favourite stories on thankfulness is when Jesus healed the ten lepers.  Whenever we would read in Luke 17 about Jesus choosing to heal ten men from such an awful disease and only one came back to say thank you, our children would feel very sad.  "How could the other nine not say thank you to Jesus?" they would ask.  This became a perfect lead in, to examples we were working on, like how could we not remember to say thank you to the person that did _______ for us?

Watch for ways to be an example, set a standard, share stories and make it fun.  Being thankful is a gift we can give others, it shouldn't be a chore for us or our children, but a wonderful way to let others know we appreciate them.  Most of all, if we continue to express, out loud, our thankfulness to God and all He does for us and gives to us every day, we will make an impression that will be engraved on their hearts for years to come!

Challenges of Consistency

I find it hard to believe that our family has packed away the highchair and we are officially out of the toddler stages with our five children.  Somehow, when you are in the middle of those years, you feel it will stay that way forever ~ then suddenly, you look back and realize it is likely over for good.  I know some of you, that still have young ones, may read this and think, "Oh, I am so tired of these busy, messy days; I can't wait for it to be over."  And I do understand, it feels like you can't get your head above water to see if what you are doing is even working.  But I have one word to share with you that will help you finish these early days successfully, with the hope that your hard work will pay off in the end ~ CONSISTENCY.

Consistency means doing the same thing over and over; it means that the same action receives the same reaction, over and over.  And, it means you get tired.  Sometimes discouraged when you are being consistent but not seeing the results.  Which is why I want to share this with you...IF you can keep on training those toddlers even when you don't see immediate results, you will benefit later.  I am sure you have heard that before, but it is easy to get weary of disciplining when we don't see change come.  We live in a society that embraces and promotes everything "instant" and that is one thing parenting is not!  We have to be like the tortoise and not the hare - it is slow and steady that will "win" this race of parenting.

What are times for consistency?  Almost all times - the highchair is a perfect opportunity to be consistent.  For example, if young Bobby decides to toss his crackers on the floor, he needs to be corrected and told no.  We all know what comes next - he will try it again...WHY?  Because toddlers are all about cause and effect - both in experimental ways like tossing crackers but also in practical ways, like whether mom is going to tell me no again.  I have read some pretty crazy theories that tell moms to let their babies and toddlers throw food as it teaches them the law of gravity - give me a break!  There are a million ways that our toddlers will learn about the law of gravity while NOT in their highchair - that does not need to be discovered there.  Don't give up on consistency!

Another great opportunity for consistency, is bedtime.  Once that little person has graduated from their crib into a toddler bed (ours were right around their 2nd birthday), they are ready to learn that they need to stay in their bed until they are allowed to get up.  What does that look like?  With each of our children (with many thanks to the Ezzo's books), we told them that they were not allowed to get out of their beds once they were put there.  That meant if they needed to go to the bathroom or get a drink, they had to call us and ask.  Or when they woke up in the morning, I savoured the sweet sounds floating down the hall of, "Mommy, can I get up now?".  It also meant that if we came down the hallway and saw them sneaking a book, it required that we followed up immediately with disciplining for the disobedience - every time!  That is where consistency comes in again.

Depending on the strength of the will, with each child, it will be different how many times your consistency will be tested - but be assured, it will.  And as much as we don't enjoy disciplining it is our job as mothers.  Not an optional one, but one of the most important ones.  Yes, it is tiring!  Yes, it feels like it is not working!  Yes, it is very often not convenient!  But it is invaluable to us and to our children.

Remember, the goal of training good behaviour into our children is not so people will be impressed that they know how to obey.  It is so that as they grow and mature, they are able to be a light and example to others of the Lord Jesus living in their lives.  It is also so that when God speaks to their hearts, they are not bent on arguing or seeing if they feel like obeying - they will do what God asks because they have learned obedience is the best way, because of the consistency of their parents.

Ecclesiastes 11:6 "Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well."

Encouraging More and More

Do you ever peek in on your sweet, sleeping kids and ask yourself the question, "Why was I so hard on them today?" I already know your answer, because we all experience similar challenges ~ as much as we love our children with all of our hearts, walking out this journey of parenting seems to consistently sneak in moments of frustration.  Don't you find perspective always comes once they are in bed?  Then, you want to wake them up and tell them all over again how much you love them!

I have found a secret that is helping that happen less and less for me ~ encouraging more and more!  One of my favourite verses for parenting, comes from II Timothy 4:2 where Paul says, "Correct, rebuke,and ENCOURAGE - with great patience and careful instruction." That pretty much sums up what I do all day -  how about you?  But as you look through more verses on encouragement (which means to instill courage into someone or give hope and support), they all can apply to parenting.  Listen to this summary taken from different books in the New Testament: "Therefore encourage one another...encourage the young men...encourage one another daily...let us encourage one another...encourage them to remain true...encourage them with these words...encourage them all..."  These verses continue in on much longer, but I am sure you are seeing what I am seeing - we are called by God, to encourage those around us.  So who more should benefit from that than our children?

It can be so easy to encourage our friends, and then turn and nit-pick our children, forgetting to encourage them - I am not saying stop training, that is of primary importance.  But as we train, we can watch for ways to be using encouraging words.  This will draw our children's hearts closer to ours and I believe we will see a desire for them to enjoy learning from us more and more.  Personally, I love being encouraged - I assume you love being encouraged and I know our children need to be encouraged!  When it comes to my children - I want to be that person in their lives - how about you?

Start Small ~ While They Are

Have you ever seen an empty toilet paper roll on the holder in your home?  I have in our home - many times.  The good news for me is that I saw empty rolls far more often in the past than I do now and there is a reason for that.  We started our kids with small chores when they were small and they have grown into chores in great ways.  I am quite sure that the fact that I "let" them change the rolls when they really couldn't has equaled not having a struggle to get them to change them now.  If there is an empty roll, they just grab the next roll and switch it.

Not very exciting or inspiring yet, I realize - but I do have a point.  As we allow them to "help" in the early days when we all know, as parents, it is taking much longer than it would if we were working alone, we will find later that they are doing jobs without being told they have to.  Not only will the basic jobs get done, but hopefully they will have learned to go above and beyond what just has to be done and finish well.  It can be done but it takes hard work and consistency on our part.

The other day my husband had to load a piece of machinery on his truck and asked our now thirteen year old to give him a hand.  My husband came in the house later that day and said he stood in awe as he watched our son go beyond what he was asked to do and find the necessary tie downs and ropes and finish the job without instruction.  This is what it is all about - I want our children to not avoid work but embrace it but it needs to start young.  I want them to be like Paul in I Corinthians 4:11 who said, "We work hard with our own hands."  But I have parented long enough to know that it will never happen by accident.  Keep requiring the work and eventually the ability and willingness will follow.  So go show that two year old how to change a roll of toilet paper!

Raising Servants

One of my greatest desires for my children as they grow up, is that they learn how to be servants to those around them. Not in ways that they are taken advantage of, but in ways that they have learned what it is to serve others. John 12:26 says, "Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honour the one who serves me." I want this for my children - to know how to follow after Jesus and to be honoured by our Heavenly Father.

I remember in the very early days, trying to teach my three year old what it meant to be a servant. I had explained to him the Bible said that the first shall be last and the last will be first - in an effort to show that God does honour us when we put others first. It was only a few days later I overheard him telling his baby sister that she should give him a toy he wanted. His reason to her was this, "You know, the Bible says, the first will be first and the last will be last, so you need to give it to me." Obviously we have had to do lots more training since those early days, but it is beginning to take deep roots in their lives and I am encouraged.

What has surprised me most as I have walked out the journey of parenting this far, is that our children don't naturally want to be servants! To a degree, I expected that, but to the extent that I have had to work and continue to work to help them see their need to be willing to serve is something that I, as a parent, need to be encouraged in over and over. I have worked hard to serve my family and model to my children what serving looks like and I have found great joy in that, but children don't just become servants because we serve them. In fact, one of the saddest things I watch in some families is when children are not required to help carry the load of a house and they become selfish and content to never lift a finger. So, in many efforts to keep this from occurring in our home, we have worked hard to train them in serving others.

I write this today because I want to encourage other moms who may feel, as I have felt in the past, that if I just keep doing things for them they will learn how to serve. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but except for the odd rarity in children (and I don't have any of them), children will need to be required to help and serve in the family over and over and over again. It is one of the many areas of parenting that we need to sow lots of seeds for many years and wait patiently for the harvest. There are two reasons I know there is hope for a harvest: one, because after 13 years of sowing I am beginning to see children pitch in when not asked once in a while and second, because I have wonderful, godly friends who have gone before and are reaping the benefits with beautiful servant adult children.

Please don't settle for the cultural norm which is to do most everything for your children while they take in the TV or video games...push past the arguments and the whining - we must train our children to be servants because they are the only hope of the next generation. Jesus was the greatest servant of all and if we are not willing to walk in His footsteps and train our children to do the same, the world will not see the difference in any of us. God has called us to follow Him and that requires being a servant to all - beginning in our homes and families - the training ground for us all.