BIG PICTURE VISION

     As I sat in the Sunday morning service, I began to see dots connecting in my mothering brain, as our pastor gave the message.  He was speaking of the difference between having tunnel vision (only seeing what is right in front of us) and big picture vision (seeing beyond the immediate) in different areas of life; but I began to see how easily I used to have, and can still fall back into the trap of, tunnel vision in parenting.

     Even though my vision for parenting has increased with each year that our children have grown, I still find every once in a while that I start to wish I could go back to the earlier years with the perspective I have now.  It's not that I did things "wrong" back then (although I know I made lots of mistakes), it's just that I see more clearly now the WHY of so many parenting issues that I felt overwhelmed by then.

     In the early years it's so easy to parent primarily out of tunnel vision -- it's what is happening right in front of us...the whining child who won't relent, the crying baby who won't settle, the defiant toddler who insists on their way...these are examples of all-consuming moments, aren't they?  

     You may ask, "How can I even imagine a bigger picture when it's so hard right now?"

     But then it happens, you get ahead a little further in the journey and you realize that what you are doing now is for the purpose of the future...it makes the "no" answers, that we have to give our children, contain greater purpose than just what is happening in the stressful moment of today.

     It really boils down to Proverbs 22:6 when we're told to, "Train up a child in the way he should go, so that WHEN HE IS OLD he will not depart."  Not old -- as in 2 days older -- but old as in years later -- that, my friend, is BIG picture vision.

     IF we can grasp a glimpse of this in our parenting, it could radically transform the way we view the challenges of each day!  What if we saw the frustrations we experience on a regular basis as fresh opportunities to lay foundation stones that our child will need to function as a godly adult?

"Bring (your children) up in

the training and instruction 

of the Lord."

Ephesians 6:4

Don't Stop...till you get to the Heart!

     Again - harsh, prickly words bounce off the windows in the back of our van and I feel my shoulders sag.  Will this never end?  Will my children never learn how to be kind to one another?

     I turn the vehicle into our driveway and I'm tempted to join the firing squad and add my own set of "bullets" to the words that are moving at the speed of light, but I stop short.  It won't make it any better.  In fact, unless I reach the heart of each of these children, I'll never deal with the real issue -- the roots.

     Over and over, I resist the urge to apply a band aid to poor behavior; although it feels as attractive as fresh churned butter must to a housefly. 

     I know God wants more than band aids in parenting these children.  Some days I can't believe he entrusts me with this staggering privilege and task of training these young ones.  Does He really think I'll ever succeed?

     There's my first clue that I must have slipped back into relying on my own strength -- that I've been taking the responsibility back into my hands.  It's GOD'S JOB and I'm His vessel to flow through with my children, and I know if I am really going to see these issues resolve then I have to go deeper than rules and consequences . . . I have to get to their hearts!

     Why is it so easy to put on band aids and leave the roots buried?  

     Because I tire of this task.  It's easier to "make" them obey than it is to help them see why they should WANT to obey.

     If God's going to be able to access their hearts, then they must see their need for His help.  Not through belittling them or embarrassment but through gentle one-on-one conversations that expose what lies deeper than the surface of the actions in question.

     It reminds of Jesus' words in Matthew 15, when He said, "The things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean'."  Ouch.  That hits so close to home that I can feel the heat flood my face.

     God, help me to never become satisfied with only altering my children's behavior.  Don't let me stop until I get to the heart of each of my children, so they'll learn what it is to cry out to You for their rescue from the issues buried deep inside.  Thank you that Your love is deeper, wider and greater than anything else this world could offer!  Amen.

 

"I speak as to my children-

open wide your hearts...for

we are the temple of the living God."

II Corinthians 6:13&16

Monkey See...

     We all know how the expression goes . . . Monkey See, Monkey Do -- but as parents, do we see how our "monkeys" are learning from their surroundings?

     I ponder how easy it is for our children, young or old, to pick up a new bad habit, and yet how hard it is for our children to stop.

     One of our roles as parent, is to determine what is healthy, safe and spiritually beneficial for our children to be exposed to -- AND for the most part, we try really hard and do a good job.  But sometimes we forget the subtle ways that our "monkeys" see behaviour that we don't want them to duplicate until after they have begun to "do".

     I think of how easy it is to let our children just watch a movie, or just play a computer game, or just go outside with friends . . . and all of those activities, on their own, would not fall into the category of wrong or bad UNLESS we are not evaluating the events specifically.  I know, I can hear your voice right now, "But Kristen, it is so hard to evaluate EVERY movie, game and friend."

     I KNOW -- I have been at it for 14 years now!  But as much as I tire of this role and sometimes desperately feel the crushing need for a break at the sacrifice of what they may see, play or hear; I know I can't give up. 

     Many days I wish we lived in a culture less challenging than the one we do, but I am determined to keep going.  The cost of giving up is much too high.

     Does it mean we should all become legalists and make lots of rules and make our "monkey's" lives miserable? NO, but it might mean that we carefully nurture their hearts through our relationship with them by helping them see why some movies contain mouthiness or bad attitudes that we don't want to imitate.  Or it might mean that we show them that playing certain games can cause them to be more rough with their siblings.  Or it might even mean that certain friendships need to be limited in order to guard their own minds and mouths. 

     We must persevere in training our little ones and coaching our older ones. 

     When we are tired of battling the world for our children's hearts we CAN'T throw our arms up in the air in defeat!  We need to take a deep, fresh breath and gently help them see that our values come from God's Word and His best for us, not just some ideas of our own.  Although the day might seem very far away, I believe someday we'll hear their words of appreciation, if we don't give up!

"Let's not get tired of doing

what is good.  At just the right

time we will reap a harvest of

blessing IF we don't give up."

Galatians 6:9 (NLT)

Drinking Bleach???

     Imagine walking around the corner and catching sight of your two year old on top of the kitchen counter poised with a glass of liquid in their hand.  Beside them sits the blue and white bleach bottle with some of its contents splashed on the counter...

     Would you:  a) Stop and watch for a while to see if your child is really about to drink it?
                          b) Gently tell her she probably shouldn't try it because she might not like the taste?
                      or c) Yell "NO" and get to that child as fast as you could to grab it out of their hand?

     It's safe to assume that every parent reading this would choose option "c" without any reflection required.  Why is that?  Because we know the danger of chemicals AND we love our child and therefore do not want to see them harmed.  May I propose that there are many instances of "bleach" in the hands of children that are being evaluated by well-meaning, loving parents who are utilizing options "a" and "b"?

     "Well, I would never let my child drink bleach so I have no idea what you are talking about," you may respond.  Yes, I know you wouldn't, but did you know that our children are being faced with dangers as grave as glasses of bleach and we're trying to watch and see the outcomes in their lives without intruding, or by gently suggesting that maybe they shouldn't do those things?

     As parents we're well-versed on many rules of safety; in fact, more than any other generation before, I am sure we have more safety standards spinning in our heads than could have been imagined fifty years ago.  Daily there are recalls published for children's items that need to be improved on for safety -- highchairs, booster seats, cribs, tricycles, and on it goes.  But sadly in this generation, many have repudiated the value of shaping our children's moral characters -- thoughtfulness of others, respect to elderly, obedience to parents.  How did these get so confused?

     I believe most parents passionately love their children and long for what's best for them, but these parents have lost the compass that tells them where true North really is when it comes to training their children. 

     There is only one compass that points true and that is God's Word.

     You will not find true North in the myriad of parenting magazines, parenting television shows or parenting blogs.  Although these are the resources we surround ourselves with, they will either point us drastically in the opposite direction of true North or at best, a few degrees off, which still lands us in the wrong place.  And we wonder why our kids end up drinking "bleach" while we look on with horror?

     There is a lot of "bleach" in this world -- some of it could be every time we allow our children to think obedience is only necessary if they "feel" like it, OR every time we tolerate mouthiness and justify it as they are "tired" today, OR every time we allow them to watch shows, visit websites or play games that we KNOW don't measure God's standards of looking at whatever is pure and lovely and good.

     In most cases the easier road in parenting is to watch our children drink the "bleach" and tell ourselves it won't hurt them because we don't always see the negative effects right away, rather than rush to their side and immediately deal with the danger.

     God's design for parenting, although explained beautifully in many Christian books, is best found in the original unedited version called The Bible.  Anything else apart from that mixes in man's opinion.  Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart and reveal the areas that your children may be drinking from the "bleach" bottle of the world's ways. 

     There is a phrase that has gained popularity over the years - that has become an easy out in parenting, "As a parent, we need to pick our battles".  While this is true, we must be sure we are not choosing to abdicate from the battles that involve "bleach".  Don't be afraid to parent your children in love, to the standards God has set before us -- it is our job and the benefits are eternal!

"Love does not delight

in evil but rejoices with

the truth.  It ALWAYS protects,

always trusts, always hopes,

always perseveres."

I Corinthians 13:6&7



Last Times

     Lori's chubby knees flew across the floor, as peels of laughter bubbled up from inside . . . she was such a fast baby.  Her mother watched from nearby and wished these days could last, but she knew in her heart it wasn't possible.  Her little Lori was pulling up on furniture daily and testing her little legs to see if they would carry her better than her calloused, experienced knees. 

     How could her mother know this would be the LAST time she would crawl?  If she'd known, she would have reached for the camera to capture it just one more time. 

     Tomorrow baby Lori would discover the inevitable truth -- legs are faster than knees, and this stage would be gone forever!  The LAST time.

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Mike's briefcase was in hand and his coat zipped up tight . . . a late night meeting demanded he miss another night at home.  His lips brushed against his wife's forehead and he whispered his goodbyes.  His wife, Nancy, knew she would be asleep long before her husband was home  -- she responded with a brief farewell, although she still fought the frustration that simmered under the surface. 

     How could she know this would be the LAST time she would kiss her husband goodbye?  If she'd known, she would've let go of those trivial issues and fully embraced the moment.

     This night a drunk driver would take Nancy's husband from her, and he would be gone to eternity!  The LAST time.

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Two examples of LASTS -- one ends in healthy development and one in tragedy, but neither was anticipated.  That is often the way it is with LASTS. 

     We spend our lifetimes waiting for FIRSTS, don't we?

• the first breath
• the first smile
• the first tooth
• the first step
• the first word
• then later... the first time behind a wheel
• the first date

     But how aware are we of LASTS?

• the last time they will crawl
• the last time they will nurse
• the last time they will fit in the sink for a bath
• the last time they will need us to tie their shoes
• then later... last time they will hold our hand
• the last time they will live under our roof

     David asked the Lord in Psalm 39:4 to, "Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life." 

     David cried out for the balance that comes from knowing each day is a gift of its own.

     God doesn't purpose for any of us to live in fear that tragedy will strike, but neither does He want us to take life for granted.  The people God has strategically placed in our lives -- spouses, children, relatives, friends -- need to be treasured for each moment we are given with them. 

     Let go of the petty frustrations.

     Embrace the celebrations of the day.

     God, show us how temporary our life on earth is and how we can make the most of the minutes we have with those we love!  Bring the perspective that we must have to live each day to the fullest of what You intend for us!

"Now, Lord, what do I look for?

My hope is in You."

Psalm 39:7

Do I Have To?

"Awww, mommm, do I have to?"  The phrase rang out through the house and I felt my heart become heavy.  I had been forewarned that parenting wasn't easy, but exhausting?  No one had quite worded it that way.  The days run together and the divergence of them leaves me with my mouth gaped open some days.  The same child moves from, "Let me help you, Mommy" into "Why do I have to do that?", sometimes within moments.

Is there anything that can fully prepare one for the will of a child? 

Experience and God's truth are the two strongest allies that I have found.  I have learned better over time how to stand my ground like a soldier in battle -- somehow it can seem I need permission to stand up to my children and speak the awful "NO" word.  Culture and secular parenting resources attempt to seduce me into the lie that if I discipline my children in any way, other than delightful, I am ruining them for life.  Adam and Eve were tempted with fruit that promised more than it could offer, too. 

Clear instruction that God offers is not for the faint of heart.  When I am told to, "Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them" (Proverbs 19:18), I sense the urgency that is being communicated.  I have limited time to work with and although my goal is to be a loving, joy-filled mother, that does not exclude me training up my children in the way they should go.  Enough water has travelled under the bridge of my parenting experience to know that this means HARD WORK and SAD KIDS some days.

I have shared it before and I will share it again -- Our goal with our children is not happiness, it's holiness (quote from the Ezzos).  Some days I feel that I need to find a permanent marker and write that on the foreheads of my children.  I have to keep that in front of me!  I love my children, I believe as much as any mother could;  and training them, instructing them, calling them to obedience is no task for the faint-hearted. 

C.S. Lewis once said, "If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." 

Do I see how this applies to my parenting? I ask myself.  I grapple with the learned precision of a tight-rope walker, for that is what I feel I must become.  I know that I am called to be a mom, as it says in Galatians 5, who is full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (the fruits of the Spirit); but I am ever aware that I can't neglect the warnings that God has laid out for me.  I don't want the despair in the end. 

Peace and delight will come to my soul, IF I discipline my son or daughter (Proverbs 29:17). 

I am told not to withhold discipline because it saves my child from death (Proverbs 23:13).

The day closes and I am amazed -- each of my five take their turns with their heads nuzzled in close to mine -- they each share whispers of their own variations of committed love and appreciation.  After all that, they don't despise me?  NO, far more than that, somehow in God's incredible design, it is because of the discipline (when blended with love) not in spite of it, that there is rich, deep and secure love.

"The Lord disciplines those He loves."  Hebrews 12:6



Walk This Way

There are many aspects of parenting that can amaze us, thrill us, captivate us, overwhelm us, and ultimately take us to our knees...what a job we have been given, isn't it?  I never cease to be surprised at what the next turn in the road brings for new joys and new challenges, but there is one thing that always remains constant and steady...

    God has mapped out the path we are to take.

We may not have the full picture of the journey - in fact no one really does - but God has already mapped it out and He has gone ahead, cleared the way and is prepared to direct us.  One of the most reassuring verses in the Bible for me, is found in Proverbs 3:5&6, where it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." I am told that a more accurate translation from the original would say he directs our paths, even though they are not always straight.  Either way, it is so good to know that when we are TRUSTING in God with all our heart and not just depending on our opinions, He WILL show us the way to go.

It causes me to reflect on the task we have in raising up our children...each day as we work, and talk, and laugh, and live life; as parents, we are (or should be) laying foundations in our children's lives that will give them a map to follow as they grow older.  I remember author and speaker, Sally Clarkson, saying that her adult son told her that he could hear her voice in his head reminding him of where to go and what was right to do.  What a legacy to leave, as long as what we leave in our children's heads is love and truthfulness that lines up with God's Word. 

I believe that each day as we love, train and equip our children with daily life lessons, we are laying a foundation in their hearts that will guide them in their years ahead.  As we teach them to obey us, as parents, we are teaching them to obey God once they are grown.  My hope for each of my children is that they will be as in Isaiah 30:21, where it says...
          "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'."

A New Thing

I am so glad that, when we belong to Him, God is forever making us new!  Everything around us; our children, the seasons and even our own lives, points to God's involvement of freshness and newness - not allowing things to grow boring or stay the same.  As I have been enjoying the beginnings of a new year, I have been reflecting on Isaiah 43:18-19 where it says, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a NEW THING!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."  That is great news, even for those of us who don't enjoy change.

It is so easy to dwell on the past, and I have found whether the past represents joy or sorrow, it is not beneficial to dwell too long.  It is good to take time to enjoy special memories and thank God for what He has done for us in the past, but outside of that, I find there is either the temptation to wish back the simpler and better days OR wish away the days we regret.  Whichever we choose, we are not looking forward to what lies ahead.  As a mom, I find it so easy to think back to when my children were infants and I had the joy of snuggling them and enjoying their gentle compliance.  But if I place my focus there too long, I will easily set aside the joy that can be found in raising up pre-teenagers and adolescents, and forget to look ahead and anticipate what God wants to do in their future.

From that reference in Isaiah, I love that God tells us He is able to make a way in dry places and water appear were it is wasteland - have you ever felt like those images could represent the place you are at in life?  I certainly have - whether it be a hard day or an extended period of time, I am sure most of us can relate to the image that those words conjure in our minds.  What a hope to know that it is IN THOSE PLACES, not once we are through those places, that God produces direction and supply for the journey.

Wherever you find yourself today, take a moment to ask the Lord to show you what NEW THING He is doing in you and around you.  He may surprise you with something you hadn't realized yet.  And if you are still not seeing it, take God at His word - say, "God, you have said that you are doing a new thing but I can't see it yet.  Because your Word says that you will do this, I trust you for it and will wait expecting to see streams flowing in this dry place in my life."  And then be ready for the river! 

Speaking Blessing

Have you ever looked at something far off in the distance and squinted long and hard trying to make out what it is?  Then someone comes alongside and says, "Isn't that neat how you can just barely make out the shape of _________ (such and such a landmark)?"  I often feel like that is a picture of parenting - the end result, known only by God, is so far off in the distance that we can hardly see what our children are going to mature into...but we know it is out there.

It can be hard to know what to "aim for" with our children at most stages of parenting; when they are young we feel we might get to have them forever and don't want them to grow up.  Then, as they enter into the teen years, we may be tempted to feel they are growing too quickly without hope they will grow in the ways we want for them.  I believe that as we look to the Word, we can find God's way of dealing with raising our children up through each of these stages...in fact, it is not that different than how God deals with each of us.  What does He do?  He speaks blessing and hope over our lives, even when we feel we don't deserve it!

All throughout the Old and New Testament, God speaks blessing over His people!  Discovering some of these spoken blessings has been of utmost importance for my life and the lives of my children, because as I look to the distant future and try to make out what things will look like in their lives, I realize I can't see clearly.  I don't know who they will marry, I don't know where they will live, I don't know what careers they will pursue - but there is one thing I know and can do now - God wants to bless our children and I can speak God's blessings over them, regardless of the stage!  This accomplishes two things: one it shows our children that there is hope for all that lies ahead, even on the days they don't feel worthy; and two, it reminds us of the truth that God is able to do far more than we could ask or imagine, even if our children's future is looking dim at the moment.

So, what does speaking blessing look like day to day?  Telling your newborn that he/she is a precious gift from God and that He loves them.  Telling your two year old that he/she was created by God and He has good things for them to do.  Telling your seven year old that he/she is growing beautifully in learning more about God and that He has great things in store for their life.  Telling your teenager that even though they can't see where they are supposed to go, God can, and the Word says He has plans to give them a hope and a future.  It is speaking the truth of God's love for them over and over, on good days and hard days - till it sinks it is so solid that no one will be able to take it away.

The hardest times, as a parent, to speak blessing into our kids lives, seem to be the days that we see the least amount of hope; but those are probably the most important times.  They need us to be the "adults" and lovingly remind (us &) them that God has good things to look forward to.  It requires patiently taking a deep breath, giving a hug and assuring them that we love them and God loves them, maybe even sharing a scripture like Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  Every time we speak God's truth into the lives of our children, we plant seeds of hope and truth that will go down deep and remain ~  it will become part of the important foundation that helps the distance become more clear and bright for them.

Don't ever stop speaking blessing!  God has promised His Word will not return void, so keep God's truth coming out!

Deuteronomy 28:3-9 "You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.  The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land...your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.  You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out...The Lord will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to.  The Lord your God will bless you in the land He is giving you."