Safeguards in Marriage

You may be wondering what safeguards and seat belts have to do with marriage - here is what I am thinking about. You cannot get into a car or van anymore, without seeing the vehicle well equipped with seat belts for everyone...why is that? As we all know, seat belts have been proven a thousand times over to save lives. I must admit, though, when I get into our van and do up my seat belt and those of my children before I drive out our driveway, I do not do it expecting to have an accident. Nor should I - I do it knowing that although it is highly unlikely we will have an accident, they are keeping our whole family safe - just in case!

That is a long introduction to explain how I view safeguards in marriage - what I am about to share on with this topic, my husband and I have been criticized and looked down on for. But the further I go in marriage and the more marriages I watch around me, the more convinced I am that we all should be practicing sound safeguards. Here is what safeguards are to us - they are limits and wise decisions made before a situations arises that allow my husband and I to have predetermined standards that we have committed to follow. Sound confusing? Let me expand...

Within Christian marriages, the value of being faithful to your spouse is strongly recognized and supported. But there are a lot of small steps that a Christian would have to take to move from committed in marriage to leaving the commitment to one's spouse. How do those steps happen? That is where safeguards come in. As a practice, my husband does not spend time alone with women, whether business dinners, driving in his vehicle, etc. and I choose not to have men in our home, nor take rides or time alone without my husband there. These examples are a little tricky, because at first glance the average person might say that they wouldn't either, but as you live them out you start to see the challenges. Keeping committed to these safeguards, and ultimately your spouse, to this extent, can cause great inconveniences, and it has multiple times for us. I remember asking a gentleman that needed to wait for my husband, to wait on the porch until my husband got home (it didn't go over so well, but without kids home with me I still felt it was the right thing to do). My husband has had to pay his staff large dollars in mileage so that they travel in separate vehicles to meetings and events, he has also had to make some tough choices with business dinners as he meets with clients, but he has done it as well. Not only are we safeguarding our marriage, we are giving each other a security within our relationship that many couples do not enjoy.

Sometimes when we start to share examples like that, people start to feel judged or that it is overkill, but I would like to argue that they are not and it is not. Here is why - in Proverbs 4, Solomon gives us further insight, he says, "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter till the full light of day...pay close attention to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart...above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life...Let your eyes look straight ahead...make level paths for your feel and take only ways that are firm...Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil."

We live within a culture that looks very lightly at vows and commitments and we will certainly not find biblical values being supported in the general media or within many secular work relationships or friendships. I believe God calls us over and over to radical living - when we were told to be in the world and not of the world, I think this could be part of living that out. As with all things, this could be taken to extremes and that is not what I am referring to, but I do want to raise a bar from where I see the comfort level of the average young, Christian couple. As our children have gotten older they have also become accountability for us too - sometimes my husband will take our oldest with him if he needs to speak somewhere with some women involved, or I have found it appropriate to have men wait for my husband because the kids are awake and with me at home - it is not about law and rules, it is about the heart issue. Solomon referred to guarding our hearts above all else because they are our wellspring of life - if the enemy plans to lead us down a dangerous path, it will start out with some nice smelling roses and our hearts being slowly drawn away, not big danger signs and a one time event. Don't be legalistic but be so wise.

The directives are very clear, if we are going to guard our hearts, look straight ahead, make level paths and keep from evil - it requires some drastic measures. Sadly, some of our good friends that have fallen out of godly marriages had the best of intentions but many times we watched them compromise on small things and in the end lose on the big things. It is not worth it! I take us back to the beginning with seat belts...we put them on because although we may feel almost certain nothing will happen we want to be absolutely doing our best to be safe. Likewise, although we may feel absolutely certain our marriages our solid - why would we risk the chance? Would you rather get to the end of life and have enjoyed fifty years of marriage and wonder if you were a bit cautious or get ten or twenty years down the road and wish with all you've got you could just go back and do it over? Guard your marriage - it is the most important relationship you and your children have got!

Don't Compare

This sweet shot goes back a few years to when our girls were a little younger, but it fits well for what I want to share on the topic of comparing. Have you ever noticed that something can look the same on the outside, but be completely different on the inside? When we dig out fun, matching dresses for our three daughters, does it mean I want them to be the same on the inside? Of course not! Does it mean I want them to look at each other and decide, even though wearing the same style of dress, who looks the prettiest? Absolutely not! They are each God's awesome creation, created in His image with special plans that He has intended for them to live out. Just as I, as a mother, would not want my girls to feel the need to envy their sister or try to be something other than who they are, I believe our Heavenly Father wants us to live in that same freedom of who He has created us to be, without looking side to side to see who is doing life "the best". Are you comparing?

This past month in our Mom's Night we were discussing "Realities and Myths" and one of the things that stood out the most in the feedback I have received from moms is - Wow, others are really human too! Some moms were amazed to hear others share about feeling discouraged in the same area that they do and they were surprised to know that others found struggles in similar areas. Yes, of course we are all blind to some blessings in our own lives, that others can usually see, but it is because we are too busy comparing. Comparing to what? Let me explain.

II Corinthians 10:12 says, "We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves." I think that is something, especially as women, we do far too often. It might happen without us realizing it or it may be very intentional - it is not always done with a heart of judgment either. In fact, my greatest concern for my young mom friends is not that they judge one another but that they judge and look down on themselves. As with most things, there are two "ditches" in the comparing game - one is that we look at others and find ourselves better in our own eyes and the other ditch is that we examine those around us and find ourselves so lacking that we don't walk in the confidence God intends for each of us.

It is in the next chapter of II Corinthians, that Paul goes on to say, "I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray." It is what we have looked at many times before - the battle is primarily in our minds. That is why taking thoughts captive is so important. One of the things I love the most that comes from Neil Anderson is this, "When you are deceived, do you know it?" Of course not, that is what the word deception implies, we have been fooled or had the wool pulled over our eyes.

It is the same in the everyday journey of being a wife and a mother, we are open to the myths of other woman who make parenting look "easy" or make marriage look "fun". Those are not the realities of life if you were behind their closed doors any more than it is behind your own closed doors. I read a great quote recently by Jill Savage and she said this, "When we compare ourselves to other moms, we will always come up short. Why? Because we’re comparing our insides to someone else’s outsides. That’s not a fair comparison at all. We’ll never know someone else as well as we know ourselves so this is a game we can never win. " This is truly the bottom line - God has made each of us unique, there are no two moms the same and there are no two wives the same. Nor should there be, because God has things planned for you that no one else can do the same. And He has given (or may give you) children, and those children need you to be the mother God desires you to be in who He has made you - not trying to be someone you are not.

God would not have placed us in the homes He did, with the husband and children we have, unless He had special plans for us. There is not anything that happens without Him being fully aware and He will use all things in our lives for His glory IF we let Him. Let's not compare ourselves with anyone down the street or down the pew - we need to learn to love who God has made each one of us to be.

Being Deceived

I wish I had a better image to share with you, but on a recent trip together, while our family was driving past some hay fields, our three year old got very excited at this sight. "Look," he said, "look at those huge marshmellows!" Giving him a bit of credit, as soon as he said it, we could all see the resemblance too - but there was no convincing him that they were wrapped bales of hay, in his three year old mind, they were the biggest marshmellows he had ever seen!

We can laugh and think how childish, but how easily are we deceived from time to time? All of us have some area of weakness that the enemy is watching for a chance to feed us a lie or myth that we will buy into. To someone who is not susceptible in that area it may seem as silly as a giant marshmellow in a field, but to the one is open to deception in that way, it will seem as real as it did to our three year old. How can we be guarding ourselves against the enemy's deception? How can we become more aware of the dangers?

I think we can go back to Genesis and see quite clearly where the first deception took place, with woman - we may be more at risk than our husbands even - and how the enemy accomplished the great lie. God had been very clear with Adam and Eve and they knew what was true - we know this because she repeated back to the serpent when tempted. But in Genesis 3:1 we see where the downfall came, it says, "He (the serpent) said to the woman, 'Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" We have all heard it before - Satan took the truth and twisted it. But I think the defining moment must have been in the second when Eve questioned what she had been told when she heard "did God really say?".

That is how we can best guard against the enemy's deception - we HAVE to know God's truth, His ways and His commands if we are to stand up to the moments of temptation that we come across. I have found that I will go along and foolishly start to think that I have really come to a safer place in my "spiritual journey" and then BAM - I seem to get broadsided with something I didn't even see coming. That is one of the ways we can be more aware of the dangers - not in looking for a demon behind every bush, but being honest and real about our weaknesses or where we have been tempted in the past. It is especially important if it has been an area that we have not just experienced temptation, but actually given into sin - the enemy will be that much more aware of our vulnerability in that place.

Remember in II Corinthians, where Paul is talking about forgiveness, he says, "In order that Satan may not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes." But I would challenge myself and others, that sometimes in our culture, I think we are unaware of his schemes...we cannot assume exemption, we must be pursuing wisdom and awareness. Then in Ephesians, we are told how to properly protect ourselves - God has provided all we need and sometimes I think we take the gift lightly and do not utilize what He has provided for us. In reference to the armour of God, Paul says in chapter 6, verse 10, "Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God SO THAT you can take your stand against the DEVIL'S SCHEMES."

If one of our children was going out for the rugby team and during the big game, looked at all the gear provided to him and then looked at his coach and said, "Thanks but I really don't need this stuff, I been playing for years and I know the dangers", as a mother or even the coach, we would be horrified. Of course, we know that in the game of rugby you take all the protection you can get and then there are still risks. How much more, in the battle we are part of (if we have called ourselves a Christian) should we be utilizing all the "gear" that God has made available to us? Paul even goes on to remind us in verse 12 of that same chapter that, "Our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." That should not bring any fear to your life - don't let it - Jesus already won the victory, we just need to walk it out with the provision He has made for us.

Be strong, my friend, in the Lord - and be aware of the devil's schemes. Do not rest in your own strength but in the power of our Lord Jesus Christ. And go out with JOY and be led forth with PEACE!

Do I Have to Share, Mommy?

Have you ever heard those words? "Do I have to share, Mommy?" I have heard them countless times in numerous situations, but I must say they don't bother me anymore. There is a reason for this, of which the credit belongs to the Ezzo's - years ago when our first two children were very young, I heard what the Ezzo's had to say about sharing and it made me laugh out loud until I tried it and found it worked.

The basic premise of their theory is this - If you force your children to share with one another they will resent it. If you tell your children that they do not have to share with one another, but it is their choice, for the majority of the time they will choose to share out of their own free will and enjoy it. Out of our five children, we have some who share so easily that I have to stop them from being so generous - otherwise there would be nothing left for themselves. Then, we have those who have to be reminded that sharing is a kind thing to do. Either way, when they have acquired something special - if we offer them the choice of whether they want to be generous by their own choosing, they will usually choose to share.

There is an important note that needs to be added onto this though - I believe that, as parents, it is our job to be modeling sharing for our children. We need to be sure we are living out our lives in such a way, that they see we want to be found sharing and being generous too. It is good to give our children reasons that sharing will benefit them in the bigger picture of life, for example in Proverbs 22:9 it says, "A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his food with the poor." It may be hard for younger ones to know what it means to be blessed - but it shouldn't be too hard to think of examples to share with them...the saying, "Pay it forward" really works in all aspects of life.

There is also a beautiful verse that encourages us, as well as our children, found in Hebrews 13:16, "Do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased." The use of the word sacrifice tells me that it may stretch me, or our children, a bit to do it - but if God is pleased then we can be sure there is a blessing that will be returned...probably pressed down, shaken together and running over. We love and serve a God who cannot be out given...He is generous to all who are found faithful following His ways.

Letting Go of a Clean Stable

I was reading in Proverbs recently and came across a verse that jumped out at me - it was in chapter 14:4 and said, "Without oxen a stable stays clean, but from the strength of oxen comes an abundant harvest." I am not trying to refer to my children as oxen, but what impacted me so much was the reference to a clean stable. That is one of the greatest challenges for me (at least for my orderly personality); to enjoy being home full time with five children while homeschooling - there is never a true break, at least not with enough time to "keep the stable clean". Oh sure, just like the farmer of the oxen we can clean out the pen and put in fresh hay, but be guaranteed, it isn't long until the hay needs cleaning again.

I love what comes next in that verse though - there is a benefit, that I am already beginning to enjoy, that comes from living in a dirty stable...oxen provide an abundant harvest. And so it is with our families too - there is a harvest to be enjoyed when train our children up in God's orderly ways. Our oldest is becoming capable of so much, it amazes me...he is able to pull out a vacuum, clean a toilet, bath his little brother, clean up supper dishes, mow the lawn and the list goes on (not all in one day, of course). And our next child is able to match as almost an equal for chores and jobs that need to be tackled and they are not even in their teen years yet! But more important than skills, are the abilities of the heart; learning to go to another sibling when they have wronged them and make it right, wanting to help someone who doesn't have all that they need, being willing to pitch in and help even when there are things they would rather do - that is when we see the maturity of the heart.

I point this out, not to play up our children's abilities because we still have a long way to go on work ethics and heart issues, but to illustrate a point that I am drawing from Proverbs 14:4. One of the rewards for learning to maintain and enjoy my "stable" and my "oxen" is truly the abundant harvest that we are only starting to see. God's plan for family is so perfectly complete that I think we sometimes fail to see the beauty of the barn, or stable. All that we need for training up our children in the way they should go is found in God's word and He has promised us that when it goes out it will not return void. If we want to see an abundant harvest, then we are the ones who are responsible to sow the seeds - the job was given to us as parents, not anyone else.

James 3:18 says, "Peacemakers (who is a better peacemaker than a mother? - that describes one of the biggest roles in my day) who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." That is what I want in my children; more than education, wealth or position - I want to see a harvest of righteousness rise up in each of them. And we know that when a seed goes into the ground, we have to be patient to see the results.

If we put a cucumber seed in the ground on a Monday, we all know it would be foolish to expect a full grown cucumber to eat by Friday. So it is with raising our children, we cannot see all that God is doing on the inside of each of them, but we can trust that what He has promised will come to pass.

So, while we let go of a clean stable, we work towards that abundant harvest...may we be found to be sowing into their righteousness for Christ's glory and not our own.

More Green Grass

I have another thought on green grass to share, that builds from the other day...While I was outside this morning, filling our compost bin with more weeds, I had a new thought that came. I felt like God was challenging me that just like our lawn, if I let a "small weed" of sin grow it will take over the green grass of my life that I am working hard to nurture.

It is so easy to justify little things in my life - as I know other moms have also shared - things that don't seem large at the time, but if left to themselves become like unmanageable "weeds". Just like those dandelions, one day there are a few and a week later there are hundreds, if I let anger with my kids or husband build instead of releasing forgiveness then it too will multiply faster than I can control. If I let the odd comment about someone drop in conversation, it may not be too long before I can't control what I want to say about that person in a negative way.

There are countless examples in my own life of weeds that grow so fast - anger, pride, gossip...the list goes on. We all want to be able to justify these "little weeds" but the reality is, whether they are big or small, they ARE what they are - sin. It is a harsh word for things that can seem so small or be so hard to overcome, but that is the whole reason Jesus came. I John 4 says, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins...since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

May we be found accepting Jesus' help in our every day lives, with whatever "weeds" we have to get rid of. Believe me, it is much easier to get rid of a few weeds than hundreds of them.

Take a Leap

As we prepare for the seasons to change again - for all of us with the natural turn of spring to summer, but also for some special moms who are welcoming new babies - I want to reflect on what there is in our lives that we can "Take a Leap Of Faith" in. Life is ever changing - which is a blessing in the challenging times but sadness in the good times and we know that the only true constant in our lives is Jesus Christ. But what is there in our lives that we need to surrender over to Him? That is where the Leap is.

It does not seem that long ago that I was welcoming a second baby into our home. As I was reflecting on this the other day, with a sweet friend (who is about to welcome her second home), I got to remembering the very hard, but important heart process that I went through during that time. I remember loving every day with my almost two year old son while feeling my belly grow larger and larger - over and over I wondered, and for some moments even stressed, on how I could possibly love this about to be baby as much as I loved our toddler son. As I reflect now, I laugh at myself, but it was very real then and very important to process through. I share this reflection because it sets the stage for a good example of Leaping by Faith into the unknown.

There is no unknown with God - but there is so much unknown for each of us. Every time we find ourselves in a place we think there isn't unknown, chances are that it is about to change anyway. But as I was thinking back to preparing for that new baby, I remember that there was not any way to completely prepare my heart or convince myself that I would be capable of loving this second child as much as I loved my first. Others told me that I would, but I had not yet experienced God's miracle of my heart doubling in capacity. When it all came down to it - all I could do was give it over to the Lord and tell Him I would trust Him with my fears because I couldn't do anything about it. I told Him how I was feeling and that I knew He had planned all these things and said I would trust Him with the rest.

The joy in this story is that I was able to truly enjoy the end of my pregnancy while loving my little boy and leaving the rest up to God. I would feel waves of panic, but give it over to my Father God and go back to trusting - which was for me, at that time, a Leap of Faith. You all can guess the ending to the story - especially if you have already had more than one child - I was as deeply in love with our second from the moment she arrived, as I was with our first. I still can't humanly explain it, other than the capacity of a mother's heart is truly a gift from God. The best part is that I went on to experience it three more times after that and each one was just as amazing.

God knows the unknown and there is nothing we need to fear. Psalm 119 says, "Lord, you have searched me and you know me...even the darkness is not dark to you...all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be...Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts...lead me in the way everlasting."

I don't know what your "Leap" looks like - but you probably do and God certainly does. Please let me encourage you to give it completely over to Him and trust Him for the results...new babies may seem to trivial to what you are going through, but it doesn't matter what it is - He is more than able. I want to close with Ephesians 3:20, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory." Have fun leaping!

How Green is Your Grass?

The question may sound strange - How Green is your Grass? - but follow me for a moment...On our lawn, we seem to always have a hard time keeping weeds away despite efforts of pulling dandelions and treating with natural solutions. As I have learned more about lawns, I have come to understand that more important than trying to get rid of the weeds, is to try to keep your grass healthy. When I first heard this, I thought immediately of how that applied to my own life - it is so easy for me to focus on trying to get rid of weeds instead of focusing on growing good, green grass. The same applies as we parent our kids too. It is so easy to look at our behaviour and struggles, and those of our children, and think, "If only I could get rid of those weeds." What I am coming to understand better is that if I focus on growing the good grass instead, the weeds will tend to fade away and die.

How do we do this? Most importantly, I think, it is by being in God's Word every day...not just so we can say we read a verse or a chapter, but so we can say we spent time savouring God's Word as if it were a love letter. Also, praying and asking God what He has for us. Listening to music that sings God's truth to our hearts. Taking thoughts captive in our minds and making them obedient to Christ. All these things will cause our grass to become more green and the weeds to fade away.

The Bible refers more than once to us being like grass, in reference also to how brief our lives are and how sure God's Word is. Isaiah 40:6-8 says, "All men are like grass...surely the people are grass...but the Word of our God stands forever." What reassurance to know that God's Word is never going to change, therefore as we apply it to our lives we are using the surest form of weed killer there is. Let's make that grass green.