I pushed hard! I knew in that moment I was pushing harder than what was required for such a simple task, but there seemed to be a greater task being accomplished at the same time. My outward exertion was only required to adhere a recent picture in place, but the inward exertion represented far more. I paused and gazed at what was before my eyes, then I glanced inward to my heart, attempting to discover the root of the emotions that were swirling inside me. As I stood in that moment, I felt like a weary, run down car being attached to a diagnostic machine, breathlessly waiting for the printed report of what was out of order. Only seconds later gave me the answer I was waiting for...time was speeding by like a runaway train and I couldn't keep up. As I studied the picture of my child, I noticed it was of a recent moment that seemed perfectly captured in that shot, but beside it was the core of the problem - another picture. To someone from the outside, it was just a second picture taken a few years prior, but to me it represented the why of my upside down heart...there was too much change happening way too fast, multiplied times five precious children.
I paused in the room and listened to the ticking of the clock...TICK, TICK...seconds passing quickly that I could never recapture. I thought of the albums upon albums I have safely stored and displayed throughout our home...the only material treasures of any real value. Hundreds of perfect moments, but sometimes they make me afraid. Afraid that someday I will look back with regrets. Afraid that someday I will sit in my empty house with thousands of pictures to keep me company but my children gone. This is it, I remind myself, this is the only chance I get to live out this amazing role of mothering well, and it is going too fast. Then, as rapidly as those thoughts tumbled in, a new thought came. One I believe God dropped from heaven right into my heart, with a two-fold purpose; first to comfort me and second to bring the perspective I needed. The thought was simply this: No, this is not all I have, because even if everything else is taken from me, I have you, Lord. And once these precious, fleeting moments have come and gone, I have more than pictures and memories - I have relationship!
It is in the here and now, in the craziness of life flying by so fast, that everything I do - each and every day - is really about relationship! In each brief, fleeting moment, I am choosing to either build on the foundation of future relationship with my husband and my children or I am somehow tearing away a piece of that very same building. It is as if I am creating a castle of friendship with my loved ones. And every moment that I pause to listen to a story, or kiss a finger, or admire a drawing, or listen to a broken heart, or patiently settle an argument; I am laying another beautiful slab of marble in the castle. But the inverse is also true, and I see this more clearly than I like. When I raise my voice in frustration, or complain about the noise around me, or scowl instead of smile; I am aware that I am putting a crack in one of those beautiful pieces of marble that has been laid.
Thankfully, because of Jesus - who called Himself the Cornerstone - there is hope. I know that He is the only one who knows how to mend the marble when it cracks. He is the only one who knows what our castle needs to be strong and keep the enemy out. He is truly the only hope I have. So I say...
Come, Lord Jesus, Come.
Come heal the cracks in our castle. Come make right the places I have made wrong. Come pour out your grace on our lives and build our castle strong, with You as the Cornerstone of it all.
"Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow.
Part your heavens, O Lord, and come down."
Psalm 144:4&5
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