I stared, slightly unbelieving, at the bathroom sinks; waited only a moment, and then attacked them with vigorous swirls of scouring. How could it be possible that what I had left burnished mere hours before, was covered in dried, pitiful residue? Residue of what I would rather stay oblivious to. Then, as I stepped into the next room, where I had aggressively vacuumed only that morning, I discovered a child's fragments of abandoned craft materials...pieces that were too small for her to pick up with her fingers. I become aware that my heart sinks, more than it should...I become aware again of the pull of perfectionism.
Being somewhat of a perfectionist wife, pre-kids, was quite achievable -- being a perfectionist with five children, two birds and a dog underfoot, is inconceivable!
Daily, as I wake to the bustle that comes from seven of us living 24/7 under one roof, I am reminded of God's priorities for my life. The constant stretch away from my preferences, is like an elastic band forcibly pulled to its limits. I feel as if I am pulled far away from what I would naturally choose, and yet I feel God's soft whisper say, You are becoming more of what I want you to be because of this disorder, not in spite of it!
As I take time in God's presence reading His Word each morning, I am still surrounded by limitless activity, but there is a change. I find I no longer wait for everything to be just so, but I plunge into time with God amidst the commotion. I have learned that this is the only place I will find the resources I need to face the challenges that will appear in my day...
"Mommm, the dog threw up on the floor again!"
"Mommm, guess who coloured on the wall?!"
"Mommm, she won't give it back to me!"
The chaos that descends is like a tornado on a prairie field, but I feel it is really part of the call to motherhood. You know what I am talking about, don't you? You live in that house too! These are the places -- the extraordinary, awe-inspiring, cray places -- that we call home.
On the very first day I held that luscious-smelling, howling, exquisite newborn in my arms, I knew God was calling me to more than I had ever known. The greatest gift God could give me, in the form of children, came with a call. A grand call...
The call was to surrender perfectionism over to Him.
The truth is really that God was probably calling me to give perfectionism over long before then, but I had not heard Him over the silence. It took the noise, the upside-down life, for Him to get my undivided attention. Each year, I become more cognitive of the fact that this life is not my own. I was bought with a price -- you were bought with a price -- we are called daily to lay down our desires, pick up our cross, and find real life...beyond the boundaries of perfectionism.
"If you want to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it." ~ Jesus, as found in Luke 9:23-24
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